scattered starlight

Remember my whining last week?

2009-11-10T00:30:00.005-07:00

Me too. I was very unhappy last week. It's not like I had a good reason for it. But I was. You know what snapped me out of my unhappiness though?

DISNEY WORLD!

I'm going! This week! I leave for Florida tomorrow!

Sure I have to do a some things first. Like go to a conference, and make a fool of myself for two hours while people ask me questions I fully anticipate not being able to give adequate answers to. And attend classes for a few days. But you know what makes up for all of that?

Oh yes, yes you do.

DISNEY WORLD!

DISNEY WORLD!

DISNEY WORLD!

(I'm a dork, but I put Disney world as a status on Facebook, and then I liked my own status. How can you not?)

DISNEY WORLD!
I'm going to try to post while I'm gone, but I make no guarantees.

Wonder

2009-11-08T21:48:00.003-07:00

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.
-Roald Dahl

{We Heart It}

The great pumpkin

2009-11-06T00:43:00.004-07:00

I had a big list of things I was going to accomplish tonight after I finally finished working (at 10 pm--BOO!). And then you know what I did? I fell asleep. Glorious, glorious sleep. Which means now that I've actually dragged my butt to bed I'm not going to write the post I had planned on. I will write it soon. But just not right this moment.

I wanted to thank you all for your comments and emails after my post about not being happy. Sometimes I feel like that quote I've seen everywhere lately that says something along the lines of "I'm both happy and sad in my life and I don't know how that could be." I sometimes feel like life is a balancing act of emotions. Maybe we balance it all out in a day, maybe in a lifetime. Maybe we have to go through periods where unhappiness prevails so that when the light breaks through, it comes through all the brighter.

I think of myself as basically a happy person. Right now, I just need to figure out how to make adjustments on the things I can control so that I can manage the things that are bringing me down.

Plus there's that whole crane folding project which I've been thinking a lot about. I haven't had a lot of time, but I've been working on it. I'm thinking I might debut it at the first of the year. (Can you believe it's November already?)

I thought the picture of Linus just kind of sums up what you all did for me in the last post. Thinking about your kind words and advice was a boost I needed. And I want you to know how wonderful you are. In the words of Charles Schulz, I believe in you. Each and every one of you. (And I don't think any of you are fakes.)

I love the words, I believe in you. How wonderful are they? Seriously.

Have a great weekend!

PS My back is feeling much better. It's still tender, but taking time off and letting it rest was the right thing to do.

Reach out and touch someone

2009-11-04T06:20:00.001-07:00

I'm over at Little Fish's for the wonderful Beauty School project. Come join us!

If you're not participating, you should leave something you love about yourself in the comments. The more the merrier!

Whine and Cheese

2009-11-02T18:11:00.005-07:00

I'm just not happy right now. Which I say as way of an explanation. It's not something I expect anyone to fix, and I don't blame you if you don't even read it. I might even encourage you just to skip down to the recipe I'm going to share.

I feel trapped. Right now, I'm having a very hard time envisioning myself finishing my master's degree. Which is partially because I can't really think of a thesis topic. I've enjoyed what I've studied. Don't get me wrong, it's just that I feel absolutely no passion for it. None. And now that I'm interning in the actual subject of it, I've actually developed a strong distaste for some aspects of it. Plus the internship is causing me endless amounts of stress. I can't really go into the details of why, but every time I think about it my stomach is filled with acid butterflies and my hands get cold and clammy. I hate those two things, and they're not getting better, the feelings are just getting worse. Then combine the fact that with my sickness and the recent (read Sunday) throwing out my back I haven't been able to be into work as much as I'd planned (those chairs at work are so painful last time I went in with back pain it stretched on for weeks and weeks), the deadline when I was supposed to be done has been extended.

Why does sickness and injury make me feel like I'm a slacker? Do I expect too much of myself? Or too little? I feel like I'm failing by standards that I don't even buy into. Which is very frustrating.

It seems like there's no light at the end of this tunnel. I know it's there. It's just that I'm so caught up in seeing the problems in my life, I'm not seeing how they can be resolved. The transition to hope will come, and right now I have to trust I'll see the resolutions when I'm ready.

In the mean time, I'm really stressed.

*stomach flips*

My one redeeming grace for this four-month period is that I'm enrolled in a Literary Philosophy class on Knowledge. Which is beyond awesome. I feel like reading philosophy has filled this hole in me I didn't even know I had. But the problem with it is that I feel tongue tied. There are so many things I want to say and write about but because all of the hours that are consumed by my internship and two jobs I haven't had the time I wanted to spend on this class. Or the time I want to write about it here. Which is also causing stress.

And I'm really frustrated. I know I've whined about being busy in the past, and probably will again in the future, but I can't even begin to tell you how busy I am right now. It's okay. Things will come to and end. Eventually. I'll figure out a thesis topic. I'll figure out how to wrap up the project quickly.

*sigh* Sorry I'm such a downer today. My back really hurts, and I'm really frustrated.

If you've come this far into my whine you deserve a little reward. So I want to pass on an awesome recipe I found/made last week. It's for sausage and kale lasagna. I found it on Delish, which is my new favorite recipe place. I chose it because you don't have to layer it like a traditional lasagna. Plus, I LOVE kale.

Ingredients

12 ounce(s) spicy Italian sausage*, removed from casings and crumbled
2 large onions, halved and thinly sliced (4 cups)
1 bunch(es) (1 1/2 pounds) kale, thick stems removed
4 clove(s) garlic, minced
Coarse salt and ground pepper
8 ounce(s) (about 9 noodles) lasagna noodles , each broken crosswise into 4 to 6 pieces
1 pint(s) cherry or grape tomatoes, halved
3 cup(s) part-skim ricotta cheese
1/2 cup(s) finely grated Parmesan cheese

*I used Mild Italian Chicken Sausage because of an allergy to beef and pork. I got it at Whole Foods.

Directions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. In a 5-quart pot, cook sausage over medium heat, stirring often, until browned, about 5 minutes. Stir in onions; cover, and cook until softened, 5 minutes. Uncover; cook, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, 10 to 15 minutes. Add garlic; cook 2 minutes. Transfer to a large bowl.
Add kale and 1/2 cup water to pot; season with salt and pepper. Cover; cook over medium-low heat, tossing occasionally, until tender, 10 to 15 minutes. Drain; coarsely chop. Transfer to bowl with onions.
Meanwhile, cook noodles 2 minutes less than package instructions. Drain; rinse under cold water.
Add noodles, tomatoes, and ricotta to the bowl; season with 1 1/2 teaspoons salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Toss well. Pour into a 9-by-13-inch baking dish; smooth top with a spatula. Sprinkle with Parmesan (I also put a little in the filling). Bake until golden brown, about 40 minutes. Cool 10 minutes before serving.

This was seriously one of the best lasagnas I have ever had, and everyone who tried it had nothing but good things to say about it. It was time consuming to make and the kitchen was covered in dishes, but I would definitely do it again.

One cool thing about Delish is that if you want to alter the number of people you are cooking for you can change the serving number and it will automatically alter the amounts in the recipe. The recipe above easily serves 8. If you want to alter the number for this recipe, here it is.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me whine.

You'll have to tell me what you think of the recipe if you make it.

Once more with feeling

2009-11-01T01:59:00.004-06:00

It is never too late to be who you might have been.
-George Eliot

{via Across the Universe}

Life imitating art

2009-10-28T07:01:00.000-06:00

A certain someone strikes again.

Him: I hope you're feeling better.
Me: No, not really. Thank you though.
Him: I feel you.
Me: *nod*
Him: I mean feel you, like understand you. Not like Bill Clinton felt Monica Lewinsky.
Me: I understood what you meant the first time.
Him: *nervous laugh* I mean I wouldn't feel you like Bill felt Monica. That's just inappropriate. I'm sorry. I shouldn't really have said that. It's good you a good sense of humor. I'm glad.
Me: *turn around without another word.*

What a nice welcome back to work, with a nice case of harassment.

Why you should always keep Puffs Lotion tissues handy

2009-10-26T21:50:00.003-06:00

subtitle: My brain feels like mush.

I love it when people go out in public sick. Like in an office, so that they can breathe their sickness into the air and it can get recycled around and everyone can breathe in their germs. It's really nice of them.

I love it so much that I took Friday and Monday off so that I could stay home and enjoy being sick. With my brain feeling all mushy. And me feeling all weird and floaty. It's been super, super fun.

I know it was selfish of me to not share all those germs. What can I say? I'm a jerk like that.

I've caught up on watching free things on Netflix. Which has been awesome. But I now feel really, really blah. Also, watching that much of the the Office can be depressing. Because art can (and unfortunately does) imitate life. Or is it life that imitates art? Either way though, there's no Jim in my daily life. Which might actually be the one redeeming quality.

So, I'm going back to my Jimless world tomorrow.

If you made it through this post and your brain doesn't feel like mush, you get a gold star.

Because my brain feels like mush again. Oh yeah, it's going to be great going back tomorrow.

Fall-ing in love

2009-10-20T20:46:00.018-06:00

I inexplicably have TLC's song Creep in my head.

I sometimes get weird songs stuck in my head, like Outkast's Ms. Jackson. I used to walk up to Hazel and say, "Sorry, Ms. Jackson." At which point she'd get mad at me. There might have been some disgruntled sighs and some exasperated, Katie!s in the annoyed way as only she can. The way she says it is awesome. But sharing the love with weird songs is one of my favorite things to do.

So I recently went to New Hampshire and spent an all too brief 3 days there¹.

I love New Hampshire. Love it so much that I was planning ways I could move away from Utah and move there. If only I was a wildly successful author now I could buy that million dollar house overlooking a lake! Alas! In the mean time I have to save my pennies and work on that amazing novel.

Don't be surprised one day if I just pick up and move across the country. If only.

Until then I have pictures, as Rebecca said:

Just for you Rebecca, I'm going to be less of a slug than usual and pull the best pictures off my camera. Usually it takes me months to do that. I wish that was a joke.

I stayed with my Aunt, who has an amazing yard. I'm not the only one who thinks that either. Her gardens were featured in Martha Stewart Living last winter.

She grows kiwis in her garden! They're tiny little things, a variant on the big ones you can buy in stores, but they taste exactly the same. Isn't that cool?

Here are two views from her balcony.

Here are some of the other beautiful fall colors.

You can see why I fell in love. I wish I was there now.

-------------------------------------
¹Next time I'm there Little Fish, we will totally connect. But I was in New York from 5:30 a.m. until 6:30 a.m. and I didn't think you'd want to pop by JFK for a five minute hello. Also I was groggy and in my glasses, and coming off of one of the most hellishly hot flights I'd ever been on. Plus, I'd been awake for about the past 28ish hours. Next time, I'm not doing a red eye across the country. Not no how.

Books R Us

2009-10-18T23:39:00.000-06:00

Lisa did this great meme, she called it my life in books. I liked it, so I thought I'd give it a try too. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of hard to remember what I'd read and when. But I'm pretty sure it's confined to what I've read in the last yearish. And some of the answers are kind of a reach. But hey, it was a fun exercise.

Describe yourself: When You Are Engulfed in Flames (David Sedaris)

How you feel: Good Omens (Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett)

Describe where you currently live: Evaluation Practice Reconsidered (Thomas A. Schwandt)

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Austenland (Shannon Hale)

Your favorite form of transportation: The Starfish and the Spider (Ori Brafman and Rod Beckstrom)

Your best friend is: .Chalice (Robin McKinley)

You and your friends are: The Jane Austen Book Club (Karen Joy Fowler)

What's the weather like: An Ice Cold Grave (Charlaine Harris) Okay not yet, but soon

Your fear: White Witch, Black Curse (Kim Harrison)

What is the best advice you have to give: You are Special (Max Lucado)

Thought for the day: The Unlikely Romance of Kate Bjorkman (Louise Plummer)

How would I like to die: The World to Come (Dara Horn)

My soul's present condition: Persuasion (Jane Austen)

Hope you enjoyed it. :)

On the edge of the whole wide world

2009-10-18T23:25:00.004-06:00

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

{We Heart It}

Love Cake

2009-10-15T19:29:00.001-06:00

{via YouTube}

Isn't this a sweet song? These girls are darling.

A weird conundrum

2009-10-14T21:59:00.009-06:00

{We Heart It}

You know how you can sometimes feel that snap and fizz with someone over the phone and email but then when you get together the snap is just plain snapped and the fizz has all fizzled?

So you write it off.

But then you remember how great it was so you start chatting and emailing again and its as good as it ever was. Maybe even better. All the magic is back, and life feels right again.

But then you meet again and it's terrible. Like a few grades down from setting your phone alarm so you can pretend it's an emergency phone call and get out of there.

But you can still email and call and have all the sparks. (Aka keep torturing each other with promises of things that don't materialize in person.)

It's kind of like being shown everything you ever wanted, but from inside an unbreakable cage. Or being taught how to miss something that's right in front of you.

Whatever it is though, it sucks. And it's a nasty little cosmic joke.

Two Days Late aka Bless Karishma

2009-10-13T13:39:00.004-06:00

Sometimes, in order to save yourself, you've go to reach out to someone else.
-Sara Dessen

{via TwentyThree}

You've probably noticed that about 95% of the pictures I post comes from TwentyThree. (And probably about 10% of the quotes.) It is an absolutely gorgeous and uplifting tumblr account. If you haven't already, you should check it out when you have a little bit of time go and look. The things she finds are amazing.

Hi!

2009-10-13T00:34:00.002-06:00

I went on vacation to New Hampshire this weekend. I visited family. I saw the fall colors. It was a whirlwind.

I loved it and it made me wonder why we passed up the opportunity to move there when I was younger.

Wish I'd had more time to be there and to maybe meet up with some of you friends out East.

Maybe next time.

Something Sweet

2009-10-07T07:36:00.002-06:00

Today I'm over at Little Fish's for her wonderful beauty school project. The thing I'm sharing is possibly my favorite things about myself. Go see. And see all the good things the other girls shared.

As a little bonus on my Facebook live-feed shared something good with me today (as opposed to the horror of another c-section). Nellie McKay put out another album, it's called As Normal As Blueberry Pie. Her stuff is just fun to listen to. The first one had me feeling better just by listening. I hope you enjoy it too! You can listen to the rest of the album at NPR.

In all its glory

2009-10-04T18:35:00.005-06:00

Everyone needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike.
-John Muir

The Sunset in Yellowstone
{via Flickr}

In between running around like a mad woman this week, I've taken a few moments to watch Ken Burns documentary on the National Parks. Just watching that has touched me in ways I haven't been touched in a long time.

All I have to say is bless the people who created the national park. Bless the people who have fought for their protection. Bless the people who work there, and continue to preserve them today.

On the documentary, people who have been involved with parks since their inception shared stories. As they choked up with remembered beauty, and sacred experiences with nature--I couldn't help but choke up too. Even if I don't get to the parks every year, I know they are there. They're like the beating heart of America. And standing as monument for the virtues we still need to be working to protect and preserve.

I need to go get back in touch with these places.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

2009-10-03T22:55:00.002-06:00

On my live-feed on Facebook a few minutes ago I got to see the inside of one of my friends. It wasn't filled with sugar and spice as I'd been led to believe as a child.

No, this was the full blood and gore pictures of her c-section.

Please excuse me while I gag.

I hate it when I'm forced to see that we actually run because of blood and gore and sinew and bones. I so much prefer the sugar and spice theory.

I can understand how those pictures would be very meaningful to the family. I mean this is their little pookie being born. It's a sacred moment for them. But for me, I'm getting on Facebook to see what sort of craziness my friends have been up to. Not to learn that my friends was recently split open, and then actually get to see their insides.

Drawing this whole point to it's logical question, I have to ask: Would the same person post pictures of a vaginal birth? Um, I'm guessing NOT. So why, in the name of blood and goriness, do you post pictures of the c-section. With NO warning.

I feel violated.

Um, yeah

2009-09-30T00:02:00.007-06:00

{via We Heart It}

I don't think I've ever been as busy as I am right now. At the end of each day I fall into my bed absolutely exhausted. The only reason I can write this right now is because I took a brief mini-nap on the couch to work up the energy to get to bed. It was glorious.

Soon I'm heading off to a bigger nap, aka night where I fall asleep and dream about things that aren't what they should be. Like being lost in London, and ATM machines that eat my card and take my money, and trains that trap me for hours and won't move. Or there was the one dream where I was lost and tired, and I found a house and rested on a bed to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep. Do you know how frustrating it is to dream about being tired but being unable to sleep?

Actually, now that I write it, it's pretty funny. I'm laughing.

I'm sorry I haven't been out to visit all your blogs. I miss reading what you're writing and what's going on.

Three things have become apparent to me in the last few days:

I need to start getting 8 hours of sleep a night. I honestly don't know if there are enough hours in the day for that though. This one might have to wait.
I need to start exercising. I need a stress reliever and this is guarantee. Also it makes me feel better and gives me more energy. So, why am I not doing this again?
I need to start setting aside some time for me. All my energy can't keep going to things outside of me.

I appreciate good friends who give me moments to do the last one. Especially for sushi tonight. I needed that.

I need to hear something happy. Anyone hear anything good lately?

Ten Things that Should not Exist*

2009-09-27T22:33:00.004-06:00

1. Two-day weekends. It needs to be three at least.
2. Onion breath.
3. People who come to class in their moldy gym clothes. And then sit next to me. *gag*
4. White hairs on my head.
5. Steve Urkel glasses on the face of a girl in 2009. WHY?
6. The pink tie-dyed top with neon yellow shorts and neon green biker shorts I saw walking around as an actual outfit. It is 2009, not 1989. Yeah, really.
7. Barking dogs at 6 a.m.
8. Eye shadow creasing. It makes me cranky.
9. Burn out. I have it. I don't want it.
10. Two-day weekends. I mean it. I want tomorrow off too.

What's on your list of things that shouldn't exist?

----------------------------
*Besides the obvious like poverty, famine, war, pestilence, etc. I think we all know we'd get rid of those if we could.

The whole world

2009-09-27T16:54:00.004-06:00

Everything is possible for him [or her] who believes.
-Mark 9:23

{via Lolita}

Post-it

2009-09-23T20:49:00.010-06:00

I save a lot of the notes I write to myself. Even if they're only one-liner thoughts or grocery lists. Like on my work badge, I have a post-it that says "Life has to be more than the sum of parts that fail to work." It's sort of a way to track what I was thinking (even when I can't remember why I was thinking that).

The dashboard on my Mac is littered with virtual post-its. Most are, shock!, books I need to read. But some of the, like the one pictured above, are thoughts that struck me during a lecture.

I opened my dashboard the other day, for the first time in a while, and one of the notes I had written jumped out at me. A one line question:

Is it rational to be afraid of the work you feel you were put here to do?

I don't remember what prompted me to write that. I must have written it in a moment of fear, and of clarity. There are times when I am nervous that I'm not enough. That I will fail at what I want most, and not fail in the little ways but capital-F fail so that I'll have to start my life over at an age where I should be experiencing some level of security.

One little voice nags about this fear of failure, but the other one says so what? bring on the adventure! I like the second voice much better.

But back to the question. I think most of us experience this fear in varying degrees. But if we're working towards what we really feel we should be doing, is it really rational to feel that fear?

No more drama

2009-09-21T06:46:00.006-06:00

I was at Ikea a few weeks ago getting bookshelves (woo!). My dad and I each took a side of those ridiculously small flats you're supposed to balance the bookshelves on and we were wheeling towards the checkout. We were almost to the front when some girl steps right in my path, so that I nearly run into her, and starts screaming at this other girl,

"You guys totally ditched me! You knew I wanted to look at the towels and you guys just left me! I can't believe you'd do that. You know I hate being alone! I can't believe you'd ditch me! I can't believe you'd do this to me! You knew I wanted to look at those things! Why would you ditch me." etc. etc.

The girl she was screaming at tries to reason with her and tries to apologize, but that screaming girl just kept screaming. As we passed, I turned to my dad and said loudly, "There's a reason I'm not friends with people like that."

That was probably a little bit mean to say, especially since I did it in what I hoped was her hearing, but it's true.

When someone loses it like that, over something trivial, don't you kind of just lose your patience for them? I do. I don't do drama. I don't put up with it. Life's too short to spend worrying about who's mad at who and for whatever stupid reason.

My bff says that this quality scares the hell out of some people, because I don't believe in bullshit*. (And I'm pretty good at calling bullshit, too.) I say, we should all be who we really are. Let's not pretend*. There would be a lot less stupid drama if people didn't feel the need to point out how important they are by being difficult.

So, when my car threw that same sort of temper tantrum, I kind of lost my patience for it. In the morning on my way to work the air was working fine. Then five hours later when I got into the car to go to school, in 95 degree weather I might add, and I tried to cool the car but NO AIR CAME OUT WHEN I TRIED TO TURN ON THE A/C AND SO I HAD TO ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN ON THE FREEWAY. I hate the sound of high-speed wind. I ~~kind of~~ lost that loving feeling for my car.

My car, which is not yet two and a half years old, which was two months out of warranty (in the mileage way and not the lifespan way), had the entire heating and cooling and fan system give out. The. Entire. System.

Let's take a minute for that to sink in.

Did I mention the car isn't yet 2.5 years old?

Of course, on the 95 degree day I just thought I'd blown a spark-plug or something. I didn't know everything had gone out. I discovered that after an extremely unpleasant conversation with some poor guy whose fault it wasn't that my car had a major malfunction. (No, I didn't yell.) After pleading my case to the dealership (I'm a student! I've brought my car to you, the dealership for every service and you didn't catch anything. Did I mention I'm a student?) they turned around and pled my case to the manufacturer who ended up covering all the parts for my car. Which was super nice and ended up saving me about $1200, 2/3 of the cost of the repair. I really appreciate that.

I equate the manufacturers gesture with the screaming-Ikea girl buying her screamed-at friend one of those low-fat yogurt soft serve ice cream cones near the Ikea exit. It's a nice gesture, but it doesn't change the fact that you were just screamed at. Or the fact that your brand new(ish) car had a major malfunction.

Like I said, the car tale has a semi-happy ending. But I still feel like I dealt with stupid drama for no good reason.

And I don't do drama.

---------------------------------------
*When I say that, I don't mean that I don't believe in being nice and helping people out. Some people say they don't believe in bullshit and then proceed to be as rude as possible. I think that just means they're selfish jerks. I don't play that game.

*Although sometimes I think we need to pretend in order to get to the place where we can be real. You know, try on different lives to see how they fit. But that's not faking your entire existence. That's just figuring out who you are. There is a grand canyon chasm of difference.

Go for it

2009-09-20T17:56:00.003-06:00

The finest gift you can give anyone is encouragement. Yet, almost no one gets the encouragement they need to grow to their full potential. If everyone received the encouragement they need to grow, the genius in most everyone would blossom and the world would produce abundance beyond our wildest dreams.
-Sidney Madwed

{via We Heart It}

Random Thursday Thoughts

2009-09-17T00:18:00.007-06:00

So, I started wondering today if I would miss my belly button if I suddenly no longer had one.

I haven't thought about it in months, haven't really looked at it in at least that long. I don't feel any great sense of definition as a human because I have a belly button.

But I hear people who no longer have belly buttons (because of tummy tucks or surgery or whatever) miss the belly button.

I'm kind of meh about the whole thing.

I don't know. Would you miss your belly button if it suddenly went away?

PS I promise to update you about my Crane project and the semi-happy ending to my car drama. I hate drama, have I ever mentioned that? This week though has entailed many nights working until 10. This leaves me stressed and unbloggy-feeling.