scattered starlight

It has been so long

2012-01-01T16:16:00.001-07:00

I don't know if anyone besides me even reads this blog anymore. Yup, I read my own blog and sometimes wonder about myself. It's healthy. I've had a year of introspection to think about everything. I don't have answers to a lot of my own questions, but that's okay. I just think of the words of Ranier Maria Rilke,

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

I know I have posted that before, but I think I understand it more and more as I get older. When I first found the quote, I thought I understood it. Some of the biggest questions in my mind at that time were about how the principles of science functioned. As I learned underlying governing principles, I received answers. (Not that I even understand a drop of the knowledge out there.)

As I grew older, the questions in my heart changed. I began to wonder about my fellow men and women. What makes them tick, what drives them? I can not say that I fully understand anyone. But as I looked at them on an individual level I have learned. I can deal with them more compassionately, more individually, more as beloved people.

As I inch towards a major milestone in my own life, I have started to wonder about myself. What makes me tick. What is driving me? The enormity of those questions left a great silence in my life. One I couldn't write about without wrapping myself in knots. I tried on this blog, and I tried in my journals. And I ended up feeling like I was going to throw up. On some levels, the question of who I am and what I want is very easy to answer. I am Katie, I am an American. I want life, liberty, and health. But on deeper levels there was, and is, still a questioning silence. I'm listening to the silence, and I feel like it's my old friend.

In the past year I have looked at the pattern of my life to see how I have turned out to be what I have turned out to be. I have thought about my success, failure, fear, shame, doubt, faith, and so much more. I have spent time in bitter regret over some of my shortcomings and choices, and I have spent time laughing in joy about my successes and blessings. I cannot change the decisions I have made in my life, although given a pocket time machine I think I would go back if I could and change a few things. If you can honestly say that you would not change a single choice you've made or a single thing you've done, then I am in awe of your life.

Throughout my life, I've had a love affair with quotes. I have often found that some words that I need will catch my eye at the moment I need them. Or maybe a few moments before I can really understand why I need them.

Think about what you say and ask yourself if you want to be the kind of person who says those kind of things. Change your language and change your thoughts. Imagine your possible selves and decide which one you want to inhabit. -Richard Siken (of course)

I'm thinking about what I say. I'm thinking about what kind of person that makes me. It is so much harder than it sounds, because some really stupid stuff pops out of my mouth on a pretty regular basis. And thoughts are as much a part of what you say as anything else. But beyond thinking about words and presentation, controlling who you are through your language, that last part of the quote really hits me.

Imagine your possible selves and decide which one you want to inhabit.

That is where the silence comes in. In a lot of ways I feel like I've lived my life as a lark on the wind. Figuring that I would be carried where I should end up. But, in honesty, I'm not where* I want to be. I'm not who I want to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm about 10 years behind some of my peers in answering the question of which self I want to inhabit. It's time to stop drifting, and start flying. I feel like I was running so hard at a goal that I never stopped to evaluate why I was heading somewhere at breakneck speeds, and as a result I have lost a portion of my life. At nearly 30, it's almost like I'm entering my second adolescence. I have so many questions. I have so much I want to explore and try. And that fills me with so much dread and so much joy.

I am a child** in the woods.

And I love it.

And I am terrified.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm going to be okay. That feeling is so fragile, and I can't hold on to it all the time. I don't want it ripped out of my hands or shredded by an offhand comment. And so, sometimes, I keep it to myself.

For some reason, I'm a little nervous about blogging again, I'm rusty. I'm not sure how to write with humor anymore. So I'm just going to hit publish without spending the next three days editing this.

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*Here I am not talking about accomplishments that a lot of people seems to hold up and compare, like degrees or marriage or children. I am talking about something deeper I can't quite articulate yet. I feel like I'm climbing up a hill towards an overlook. It's thrilling and I'm just waiting for the view.

**I know it's babe in the woods, but I like child better.

A few things

2010-10-09T23:39:00.001-06:00

here

Slippery Slopes

2010-10-08T01:35:00.003-06:00

Today my temper got the better of me. If you knew me in real life, as some of you do, you know that I don't lose my temper very often. Almost never. For very good reason.* I say things that I regret saying. Not because they're not true, but rather because they are true. Or at least they are the things I believe to be true. I am not a moral relativist, I believe there is plenty of Truth to be found. I do recognize, however, that the big-T truths are not the same as the little-t truths. And sometimes there's a lot of wiggle room about the details of life. Strict moral absolutist might disagree with me there. Good for them.

I thought about the exchange all day. It bothers me still. It's like hot ants dancing just under the surface of my skin. Incredibly annoying, incredibly painful, and absolutely untouchable. The things that were said can't be unsaid. I can rewrite what I wanted to say in my head, but what I actually said remains said. What I wanted to say will remain worlds apart from what I did say. I do not believe I will reopen the subject. I think in this case I will leave the fire ant hill alone. I'm going to put down my sticks and walk away.

Don't worry, I'm armed with ant spray should the subject pursue me.

Richard Siken, who I sometimes like to think of as my personal oracle because I think his words are that amazing, edited a brilliant short-lived magazine called Spork. For each issue he wrote an introduction--a welcome discovery since he seems unwilling to put out another collection of poems since the brilliant Crush. In these forewords, though he often dwells on the subject of how we use our words. Do they control us? Can we improve our world if we improve our words? He says,

"To imagine a language means to imagine a form of life." That's Wittgenstein again. So, go ahead, imagine a form of life. Imagine your life. Think about what you say and ask yourself if you want to be the kind of person who says those kinds of things. Change your language and change your thoughts. Change your thoughts and you change yourself. Imagine your possible selves and decide which ones you want to inhabit. (here)

If you were to push me, that quote explains the reason I've walked away from this blog for so long. I was worried my language was becoming circular. That my thoughts overlapped each other in tighter and tighter circles, and my words coiled around me until I was entwined with rope. I already feel trapped by so many things, even though I know how much freedom I really have. Knowing that you have freedom and experiencing that freedom are two entirely separate things.

Language encapsulates everything. It paints the picture of our entire experience. Everything I tell you, everything I tell myself is encoded in language. Even your feelings will eventually be boiled down and conveyed in words. Take a moment and think of their sheer power.

Siken again,

A man is running past a horse, through a pasture. The pasture has a wooden fence around it. Behind the man is an evil yellow and black robot that is destroying the world. The man has reached the wooden fence at the end of the pasture. Does he know the word for ladder? Does he know the word for climb? (same place)

Of course implied with the questions "Does he know the word for ladder"" and "Does he know the word for climb?" is the bigger question, if the man does not know the word will he be able to do what he needs? Maybe for a simple act of climbing. But what if it's not really about climbing out of a field at all. What if the words you need are about changing who you are?

If you can't describe what you want, if you can't articulate what you need, will you get it? I don't think so.

So I walked away because I needed some time to simmer. I needed the words to mix around and create something better. I needed to be better. And I come back not as a different person, perhaps I am not even a person with the vocabulary I need to climb out of this field with the killer robot. But I'm working on it. I'm getting there.

In general, I can say that I feel better about things (argument today excluded). That's one step.

_________________________
*Also, I stop arguing logical points and start arguing emotion. That is dangerous ground, and I don't like being dragged there. Although dragged implies that I didn't fan the fire of the situation. There is plenty of blame to be passed around in this circumstance.

Insane Optimism

2010-06-02T22:06:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I think I am an insane optimist. Specifically, I believe the situation I currently find myself in cannot possibly get worse. And I'm tired of being proven wrong. Call it wounded pride. So, I'm done making those promises to myself. I'm done being and insane optimist. (About this at least.)

Things are what they are for the time being.

The thing that frustrates me almost as much as being temporarily stuck in this situation is that I feel like my voice has been taken away. Or more specifically, I feel like I've allowed it to be taken away. Either way, it makes me insanely furious. And I've been trying to write about it. But I can't. Writing just this much has taxed me.

I'm sorry I'm not the blogger I once was. I'm sorry I'm sorry not the blog-friend I used to be.

I'm sorry I'm not the person I used to be.

I will find my way back.

This is where I want to go, and this is what I want to say.

(We Heart It)

Daring Greatness

2010-05-31T16:12:00.000-06:00

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end of the triumph of achievement and who at the worst, if he falls, at least he falls while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt

(We Heart It)

The best (or worst) laid plans

2010-05-17T22:32:00.003-06:00

We Heart It

I had a dream* the other night that I knew I wanted to do with my life. It felt great I had purpose, I was happy. Really happy. Do you remember what it was like to be happy, with purpose, direction and a clear future? I'm not sure I do. I guess that's why we have dreams, to tell us the things that we're missing.

And I guess I'm missing that. The clear future.

My plan to graduate in August fell through. I'll still graduate, it's okay. But it won't be for awhile. Which means all my plans I've been looking forward to (like moving forward with my life) are put on hold too. I'm here. I'm moving, but it's more like a lateral move. I don't get more free time. I don't foresee any major changes.

On one hand, I'm relieved because I pretty much didn't sleep for two months. I'm more relaxed and I'm sleeping. But on the other hand, I'm not done. This period of my life is not over.

It makes me tired.

I'm still in the process of arranging everything with my committee and school. It's hard to admit that you can't do what you thought you could.

Of course, all of this made me face the fact that I've been stagnating in my own life. I was waiting for this change so that I could make changes. The simple fact of life is that we're all stuck in situations that are not ideal. All we can do is make the best of it.

So one small step: I joined a new gym and have been going.

One step at a time.

Things will change.

I will change.

We Heart It

Also, I guess this means I'm back. Hi!

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*Don't worry, this is not one of those blogs entries where I tell you about my boring dreams. Actually my dreams are sort of awesome (or Freudian--in the non-freaky way). The other night I dreamed I was Frodo in the Lord of the Rings, um awesome. So maybe this is sort of one of those posts.

Yes!

2010-04-25T01:53:00.002-06:00

I love e.e.

(We Heart It)

To the idiot posting spam porn on my blog

2010-04-15T02:23:00.006-06:00

STOP IT. I hate you.

The end.

In case I don't catch it, if you see anything with asian symbols (sorry I don't know if they're Chinese or Japanese) do not click on any of them.

And spammer, leave my blog alone. NOW.

Richard Siken is singlehandedly keeping me sane

2010-04-12T21:33:00.008-06:00

{We Heart I t}

The problem (if there was one) was simply a problem with the question. He wants to paint a bird, needs to, and the problem is why. Why paint a bird? Why do anything at all? Not how, because hows are easy, series or sequence, one foot after the other, but existentially why bother, what does it solve? Be the tree, solve for bird. What does that mean? It’s a problem of focus, it’s a problem of diligence, it’s supposed to be a grackle but it sort of got away from him. But why not let the colors do what they want, which is blend, which is kind of neighborly, if you think about it. Blackbird, he says. So be it. Indexed and normative. Who gets to measure the distance between experience and its representation? Who controls the lines of inquiry? He does, but he’s not very good at it. And just because you want to paint a bird, do actually paint a bird, it doesn’t mean you’ve accomplished anything. Maybe if it was pretty, it would mean something. Maybe if it was beautiful it would be true. But it’s not, not beautiful, not true, not even realistic, more like a man in a birdsuit, blue shoulders instead of feathers, because he isn’t looking at a bird, real bird, as he paints, he is looking at his heart, which is impossible, unless his heart is a metaphor for his heart, as everything is a metaphor for itself, so that looking at the page is like looking out the window at a bird in your chest with a song in its throat that you don’t want to hear but you paint anyway because the hand is a voice that can sing what the voice will not and the hand wants to do something useful. Sometimes, at night, in bed, before I fall asleep, I think about a poem I might write, someday, about my heart, says the heart.

Answer: be the heart. Answer: be the hand. Answer: be the bird. Answer: be the sky.

—	The Problem, by Richard Siken

Down the Rabbit Hole

2010-04-04T16:42:00.003-06:00

Happy Easter. I hope you all had a lovely day. My family celebrated with the customary homemade quiche brunch. A little piece of heaven.

So, I'm tired of the less than pretty picture up at the top of my page, so here is a beautiful little video. One of the coolest I've seen in awhile.

Enjoy!

Falling off the face of the earth and the coolest thing ever

2010-03-23T17:37:00.009-06:00

(We Heart It)

It's no secret I'm in grad school, or that it's making my life miserable right now. I've fantasized about quitting, but that's just a fantasy. I'm finishing, I swear. But in order to finish, I have to get my project done by like June 20. *panic*

If you ask me how close I am to being done, I will mumble. No, seriously, the word mumble will probably leave my lips. Which should be interpreted as I've read some stuff but am nowhere near to the point I should be at now. And oh my gosh the days are flying by and the writing is not going well. Which is why I've been banning myself from writing here, and commenting on your blogs. I'm really sorry, but I have to go away for a little while. Realistically, probably until July 9. The day where everything is due. *panic*

I'll be back. I have so many ideas right now, it's not fair. But it's really just because I know I have to focus on one thing. And when I have to focus on one thing, I have really great ideas about how I can do everything (or anything) else better. So yeah.

Before I go, just for a little while!, I have to point you in the direction of a new charity platform one of my fellow grad students (and one of my best friends and favorite people) just launched. Otherwise known as the part of post called:

The Coolest Thing Ever

It's called the Tipping Bucket.

The Tipping Bucket is founded on the idea that anyone can change the world. All of us at some point have seen a problem in the world and thought, wow, I could really do something about that if only I knew how to get started.

The Tipping Bucket is a new kind of charitable organization that helps other charitable organizations launch. As the person with the idea to change the world, you'll receive mentoring and fundraising support from the Tipping Bucket so that you can get your idea off the ground.

So where do most people come into the equation? Because, let's face it, not all of us are going to have ideas every day. Well part of the idea that anyone can change the world is that you can make a difference by donating just a little bit of money. And when a whole bunch of people donate just a little bit of money, big things happen. As the Tipping bucket says, "Skip the second latte to give meds to a kid in the Amazon with malaria. Dump your pocket change into a new well in Kenya. Brown-bag your lunch one day so that a mom in a shelter in Cincinnati has a book to read her little girl."

Each organization sets an amount of money they'd like to collect, and they're given several days on the website to collect that money. For example, the most recent project, titled Power to Learn, wanted $2500 for solar-electric inverter, storage batteries, and charging equipment so that a school in the Democratic Republic of Congo can stay open longer to increase student's study time. They were given a couple days to collect that much.

Well, $2500 was more than I could give. But I went on to Tipping Bucket and pledged $5 towards the project. And because a lot of other people like me pledged money the charity reached the organization and, in the vernacular of the website, the bucket of pledges tipped.

I got to have a little hand in changing the world. And I know that my money made a difference to the people in Congo. How often do you get to know that you really made a difference?

But what happens if an organization doesn't reach it's monetary goal, but you've pledged money? Well, again to quote the website, "Because our commitment to our donors is to 'change the world or your money back,' if the funding goal isn't met by the specific deadline, none of the pledges are processed, no one pays even $1, and the next project gets its turn in the bucket."

Get involved! Change the world. Visit The Tipping Bucket!

The hero in your soul

2010-03-07T11:18:00.004-07:00

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in the lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

-Ayn Rand

(We Heart It)

The joy of cooking

2010-03-02T13:00:00.005-07:00

(We Heart It)

The funny thing is that even if you think you're life is going pretty well, it only takes a few hours for the whole thing to fall apart. There are major changes we can prepare ourselves for, and then there are deaths, or breakdowns, or lay-offs, or divorce, or the other hundred things that I haven't contemplated because I can't see them coming. Thank goodness.*

The thing about all those losses it sucks, because even if you're going through all of this with someone right at your side, you're still alone with your emotions. You can be surrounded by people and cared for, but you're still alone

I learned after my Grandma died that the average person has no clue what to say when you lose someone. I heard some doozies. Such as, you must be relieved on some level. All I can say is that grief is surprisingly straightforward. It hurts, and it hurts for a long time. It stops you from listening to your favorite music, reading your favorite books, sleeping normal hours. It comes in and rearranges your life, stomps on you until you're black and blue, and then it comes back for the really unpleasant visit.

Last week, I witnessed a very public breakdown of someone's life. It was terrible. It wasn't the kind of breakdown that any comforting words could be offered after. Partially because he ran out, and partially because there are just some things that leave you speechless. Totally speechless.

And I was left speechless. As was everyone around me.

What do you do after that?

I started thinking about it. And i decided that only thing I could do was bake. There was nothing I could say to make it better. There was nothing I could do to make it less awkward. All I could do was do something nice.

I remembered the day that my Grandma died, my mom's best friend brought enough dinner for our entire family. And the night after that another one of my mom's friends did the same. That continued for a week. I remember how comforting it was, and how much it meant that someone would take time from their day and share this thing with us. Thinking about it, I still tear up. It's so simple, and yet showing that you're there for someone means so much.

The offering can't fix the problem. But it goes a long way to making someone not feel alone.

So I guess that's my ode to the comforts of food. And the power of being there for someone in a non-verbal manner.

In case you're wondering, I made homemade lime bars. They were a success.

Here's the recipe, just substitute lime for lemon.

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*Years ago, I would have told you that I wanted to know what was coming. That me was silly, why spend time dreading when you can spend time enjoying life? Katie = grasshopper.

Creation

2010-02-28T20:38:00.005-07:00

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. Everyone can create. You don't need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take organized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty.

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

(We Heart It)

Poetic Guidance

2010-02-21T21:03:00.004-07:00

This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful and uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.
-Walt Whitman

(We Heart It)

Katie, Master-ed

2010-02-18T20:52:00.007-07:00

(We Heart It)

I blame the Olympics for my lack of posting. I'm sorry. I'm a sucker for the Olympics (did I ever tell you that I performed in the closing ceremonies of the Olympics when they were in my hometown in 2002*?). I know they're the less fun sister of the summer Olympics (btw, 30 Rock I totally disagree with you on that, but we can still be besties, right?), but I like the Winter Olympics more. I practically can't breathe on the men's half-pipe event. Watching the Flying Tomato is amazing. Ah-mazing.

Anyway, so all this change in my life I've been promising to tell you about. It went a lot more smoothly than I thought it would. (Hallelujah.) But I think I overpromised a little bit. Because when I wrote that piece I had a bigger change in mind. I was going to quit my master's program. Yeah. Completely. But first let me explain something: all I had left to do was finish either a thesis or a project. That's it.

But I was really feeling downcast and terrible and I knew I couldn't go on with what I had decided to do. But I didn't know how to quit either. That's when one of my friend sat me down and gave me the pep talk about how it is okay to quit things sometimes. At the end of the talk I had decided to quit the program entirely. With only 6 credits left to complete.

So when I left to visit my bestie the NW two weeks ago, I was feeling awesome. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. But the more I thought about it, the more distressed I got that I was going to leave everything behind with only 6 credit hours to go. This is a program that I've loved, but I was just so unhappy with the way things were going that I couldn't imagine finishing it. So I decided not to quit the program, but just change my course of action.

So I dropped almost all the classes I was registered for. And I talked to my advisor and told him that I couldn't do the thesis I had proposed. Part of the problem with the thesis was that, although I loved the topic it was sort of open-ended as to when a conclusion would be reached. And I would really like to graduate in August.

So I arranged to change my thesis topic to a project, and my advisor agreed to supervise that. I'm really excited that he agreed to stay on as my advisor because he has been really wonderful to work with and he is an expert in the field.

Furthermore I contacted the group I will be doing a project for, and they sounded really positive about working with me again. I'll get the final word on whether they'll accept my proposal next week. But so far everything is going like a dream.

And now, I am really excited about what I have upcoming and I feel really good about my program again.

The best part though is that you can call me master in August. Woo.

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*I know I haven't, but I will. :) It was awesome, one of the coolest things ever.

The persistence of memory

2010-02-16T00:35:00.005-07:00

The existence of forgetting has never been proved: We only know that some things don't come to mind when we want them.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

{Twentythree}

I have some thoughts on the quote, which I like quite a bit, but for tonight I am too tired.

PS Things with changing my life are going well, I hope to have an update soon.

PPS I am in the midst of a major craft project which is making me very happy. I will post pictures when I'm done.

To infinity and beyond

2010-02-08T09:29:00.002-07:00

{We Heart It}

Thriving

2010-02-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

-Maya Angelou

{We Heart It}

Finally some light

2010-02-06T13:46:00.008-07:00

{We Heart It}

Lately, I've been really unhappy and really stressed out. So I posted and commented less, not because I had fewer ideas (in fact I had more) but because I was so exhausted by being unhappy that I just didn't have anything left to give.

The reason for the unhappiness is that I've been trying to finish something that I knew I didn't love or even like. I've known it for a long time. But I refused to listen to that voice that told me that maybe it was okay to quit because I.Do.Not.Quit. even when it hurts me. I consider this a character flaw.

I had a talk with a wonderful friend on Thursday, who could see how unhappy I was. She convinced me that I needed to make a change, and told me a story. Before I tell you that story, or at least some version of that story, though, I need to get her permission. I appreciate her so much because she was right on in everything she told me. All I can say is that she was an answer to a prayer I didn't know how to give. And sometimes you need those.

And so, I'm really excited because now I can focus my energy on doing things that make me happy.

I have a plan to fix everything, and it's going to take a little bit of time and probably won't be the easiest thing to implement. So before I write about all the details, I need to sort them out.

Needless to say, I'm really excited. I'm on vacation until Wednesday (hello, Pacific Northwest!), so I'll probably have all the details sorted out in about two weeks.

Stumbling towards courage

2010-02-04T01:12:00.002-07:00

{We Heart It}

Don't feel guilty, it's only natural

2010-02-01T00:42:00.005-07:00

I love Jezebel. I don't agree with all their perspectives, but reading their site has made me feel not guilty about being an unabashed feminist. Plus, it's nice that there's a forum for women where there is intellectual discourse in the comments about how women and men are portrayed in the media and the effects. I love it. Jezebel is my new Perez. (I gave Perez up in 2009, and that was second only in difficulty to giving up Coca Cola in 2000.)

So anyone feeling slightly guilty for their love of Lady Gaga? Who, I admit I was initially sort of suspicious of. But after further reflection I adore her. As one Jezebel reader put it, I bow down before my Gaga overlord. I've accepted it. She's just awesome. Her music is sort of bland pop, but it's not as bad as say that girl who sings Tik Tok (which I'm ashamed I even know is a song).

These two tangents have one point. And the point is a comment one of the Jezzies made in response to this picture:

Which was:

I so love this concept. What would my six year old self have dreamed that I would be doing. Well, I can tell you it's definitely not what I'm doing now. But instead of being overwhelmed by that thought, I'm going to embrace it. How would my six year-old self re-envision my life?

And the story never ends

2010-01-31T22:09:00.002-07:00

Man's creative struggle, his search for truth and wisdom, is a love story.

-Iris Murdoch

{We Heart It}

PS One goal down. Mini blog redesign accomplished before February 1. 1 of 5 so far. Not bad. (Not great.) But not bad at all.

It would be selfish not to share

2010-01-28T22:55:00.008-07:00

{via We Heart It}

Awhile ago I mentioned that I found the bestskin care line I've ever used. It's called Wei East, and the stuff is amazing. The founder, Wei, is from China and says she uses techniques passed down from her grandmother. I can't say if that's true or not, but I can tell you that this stuff works.

And I've tried my fair share of skin care. With semi acne prone, super sensitive skin, I've made my way around the block a time or two in order to find something, anything, to improved my skin. I've tried, to name a few thing: Proactiv, Origins, Neutrogena, Mary Kay, Cetaphil, Mario Badescu, La Mer, Bare Escentuals, Dermalogica. Some of those were better than others, and some were ridiculously more expensive than others. And although I still have love for Dermalogica, Wei East is far better in almost every area.

I wish I had before and after pictures to show you. In addition to reducing my breakouts, it's eliminating the dark circles underneath my eyes. And I swear, I'm not over promising what this stuff can do. I've stopped using concealer. That's a pretty big step for me. So far, it's done amazing things for everyone who has tried it. Right, Hazel?

I mention this now because:

1) You all deserve fabulous, glowing skin too.

and

2) Wei East is on sale at HSN, but the line moves really quickly when it's on sale.

If you're new to the brand, I highly recommend trying their White Lotus Hydration line (and I say that as someone with skin that tends towards oily). But everything I've tried (except for the Ageless Pearl Cream) is amazing.

My favorites:

- Chinese Hand and Body Perfection Cream

- Chinese Youth Recapture Serum (Ah-mazing)

- White Lotus Cleansing Cream

- White Lotus Moonlight Recovery

- White Lotus Eye Dreams

Anyway, if you want to check out the brand you can buy through their website or through HSN (which has better deals on multiple items).

I'm off to wash my face. Yay!

If you decide you want to try it, just send me an email or leave me a comment, and I'll tell you if I've tried the product you're looking at.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be?

2010-01-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

{We Heart It}

If I were a month, I’d be April.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.

If I were a time of day, I’d be 11:30 pm.

If I were a planet, I’d be Earth.

If I were a sea animal, I’d be a parrot fish.

If I were a direction, I’d be East.

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a book case.

If I were a liquid, I’d be grape juice.

If I were a gemstone, I’d be a garnet.

If I were a tree, I’d be Meyer lemon tree.

If I were a tool, I’d be a lever.

If I were a flower, I’d be a violet.

If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a snow storm.

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a cello.

If I were a color, I’d be aubergine.

If I were an emotion, I’d be mixed.

If I were a fruit, I’d be a strawberry.

If I were a sound, I’d be laugh.

If I were an element, I’d be air.

If I were a car, I’d be a Jetta.

If I were a food, I’d be an olive.

If I were a place, I’d be a forest.

If I were a material, I’d be cotton.

If I were a taste, I’d be tangy.

If I were a scent, I’d be vanilla.

If I were an object, I’d be a blanket.

If I were a body part, I’d be the lips.

If I were a facial expression, I’d be a smile.

If I were a song, I’d be Silver Lining.

If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be pointy-toe black heels.

What would you be?

Where we go

2010-01-24T20:34:00.004-07:00

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.

-Stephen Chbosky

Perks of Being a Wallflower

{We Heart It}

Contemplative

2010-01-20T21:36:00.010-07:00

Once upon a time I used to post poems. Remember that?

(Once upon a time I used to write actual posts on a daily basis. Oh what heady¹ times. Words and I are in a fight right now. I'm sort of miserable, but not the sorrowful miserable. Maybe restless is a better word? But it's more than just restless. It's hard to put my finger on what it is; I'm craving² something but I can't identify what it is. When that happens I: 1) get a bottomless appetite for all the wrong things and 2) am dissatisfied with everything.)

Well, back to my poetry point, I found one I love, a poem that is. I'm trying to figure out what I'm craving so I'm looking around at everything I have. Usually books help. So I picked up Crush by Richard Siken and read a few of the poems. He is amazing. I've mentioned one of his poems before. (Go read that poem by the way. And then read it a couple hundred more times so you can revel in his words.

But first read this poem.

Scheherazade

Tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake

and dress them in warm clothes again.

How it was late, and no one could sleep, the horses running

until they forget that they are horses.

It's not like a tree where the roots have to end somewhere,

it's more like a song on a policeman's radio,

how we rolled up the carpet so we could dance, and the days

were bright red, and every time we kissed there was another apple

to slice into pieces

Look at the light through the windowpane. That means it's noon, that means

we're inconsolable.

Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.

These, our bodies possessed by light.

Tell me we'll never get used to it.

The poem comes together in the last line for me. The life he's describing in this poem is not beautiful or easy. It's a struggle and seems like it will be for quite awhile. But all the knowledge means nothing if the joy of struggling for it has become a common. Hmmm.

Also, this line is genius: "the horses running / until they forget they are horses."

I've definitely been running too fast for too long. It's hard to take time to evaluate who you are if you never have time. And if you forget who you are, what good are you?

I think I need a break.

-------------------------------------

¹Is this from some movie? Oh, wait! I know what it's from. It's from Amy Poehler imitating Dakota Fanning.

²It could be music, or a hug from a certain person. I don't know what it is. My cravings are rarely limited to food. Does anyone else get the physical need to hear certain songs? Or is that just me? I can say it's not that baseless homesickness that sometimes strikes.

Reflection

2010-01-18T22:27:00.007-07:00

People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.

-Salma Hayek

{via We Heart It}

Living forever in a million different ways

2010-01-11T00:35:00.006-07:00

I don't want to live. I want to love first, and live incidentally.
-Zelda Fitzgerald

{We Heart It}

This is one of my favorite weeks of the year. (It's by birthday week! I'm still a kid, I believe in dragging out the celebration of my birthday for at least a week. At least that's how long it puts me in a good mood for.) So in honor of my birthday here are a very few of the things I've grown to love in my (nearly) 28 years (obviously my family and friends):

Purple. Pens. Purple Pens. Rings. Down Comforters. Trees. Fall. The Perfect Pair of Jeans. Music. Ballet. Opera. Klimt. Rothko. Simpsons. French. Purses. High Heels. Books. Sunsets. Sunrises. Spring Blooms. Jeans. Green. Renoir. Stars. Words. Quotes. Mascara. Violets. Orange. Mountains. Ocean. Beach. Rain. Dancing in the Rain. Baking. Smores. Heating Stoves. Sleeping Porches. Late Night Walks. Laughing.

Also lots more.

Look, I'm writing more than once a week

2010-01-05T00:11:00.004-07:00

{via We Heart It}

I think I've posted this list before, but I just love it so much. I'm adding these things to my goals

I've decided to write down my goals this year. but like with everything lately I'm just having a really hard time with this. I'm still thinking of the goals I want to set. But here's what I've come up with so far:

1. Become more ambidextrous. Weird goal? Yes. But this was the first thing that popped in to my head when I asked myself what I really wanted this year. So okay, I'm going to work on making my left hand more independent.

2. Finish my thesis. Freedom awaits! I can live guilt-free again.

3. Start my Crane Project. I'll explain more.

4. Actually use my New Year's DVDs. Every New Year's, in a flush of what I can only call misguided enthusiasm, I order a whole bunch of fitness DVDs. I read reviews, I get pumped, and by the time they get here I've lost enthusiasm and quietly hide them from myself. Last year's are still in their plastic. Oh the shame! I would hang my head in shame, but my flush of motivation is still fresh. This year will be different.

5. Do a mini redesign for my blog sometime before February.

I feel like this isn't enough. I want more. I want to think bigger. The thing I feel like I'm missing will come. Hopefully before 2011. :)

Untethered

2010-01-03T11:15:00.005-07:00

Live out of your imagination, not your history.
-Stephen R. Covey

{from Bright Star
via We Heart It}

Here we are again at the beginning of the year. Some of us made it through more intact that others. I know I have a few new battle scars to show for 2009. And although I have some issues with New Years, the thing I do enjoy is the idea of starting fresh. It's a turning point. A place where the people world collectively stop to evaluate themselves. How did we do this year? What can we do better? What are we going to work on this year?

Sometimes I feel like there are so many things I could be doing better that I can't even tackle half of them. So I examine what I can bear to examine (and maybe a little bit more), and I go to work on those things. And promise myself I'll grow stronger so I can handle at the rest sometime soon.

The idea of New Years and goal setting is part of why I love Stephen Covey's quote. I think history is very, very important. My mother raised me to believe that if we don't know our history we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. So, in that respect I don't think we ever can or should leave our history. But our history only tells us what was possible, not what is possible. If we cling to history too tightly it doesn't leave enough room for innovation. And history teaches innovation is critical. Just because you couldn't do something a few years ago doesn't mean that you will never do that thing. It just means that you haven't done it yet. Thomas Edison wasn't born understanding electricity. We need our imagination to transcend.

Sometimes I think we tell ourselves we can't do something because we are too old or because it will be too hard. I have met too many people who transformed themselves at an age where society believed they should be sitting quietly at home to ever truly believe we are ever too old for anything. But it's a lesson I have to keep telling myself. Because I'm bombarded by whiz kids who graduated with PhDs at 22 and actresses who peak at 18. Life doesn't end there. It's barely even beginning at those ages.

As for the hard things, there are a plenty of those. But don't you love and appreciate them all the more for making your invest your blood, sweat, and tears into them? And a lot of those hard things are worth working with all our might to achieve. I don't ever want to be remembered as someone who took the easy way.

So I resolve to live out of my imagination this year (with a healthy dose of history to understand where I am coming from). What would I do if I didn't believe anything was impossible?

What would you do?

In the spirit

2009-12-24T00:56:00.005-07:00

{via TwentyThree}

Big, fat flakes of snow are falling, they look like feathers. And I think that's pretty perfect. This is probably the only time of year I'll say it, but I am so glad the snow is falling. Christmas and snowflakes go together like hot chocolate and candy canes. I guess one is good without the other, but to really be perfect they need each other.

Isn't if funny how some things need context to be great.

For me there's nothing better than a cold, snowy Christmas. For my friend K who lives in Florida, there is nothing worse than a cold, snowy Christmas. While she lived here she would pile on layers and layers of clothing, huddle under blankets, and swear she couldn't get into the Christmas spirit until she returned home where it was warm.

As I get older, I think she has the right idea most of the time. The cold is starting to overwhelm me. It's not an adventure like it was when I was child. In spite of that fact, I want the cold for five days a year. Just so it can be Christmas. With feathery snowflakes, and gray skies.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, which I guess could be true of everything I've done in 2009, but here it is.

May your days be merry and bright.

That's my favorite sign off. Why don't we say that all year to everybody we meet?

I see the moon

2009-12-20T23:59:00.003-07:00

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.
-Irish Blessing

{We Heart It}

Something is bound to open

2009-12-16T23:54:00.013-07:00

{We Heart It}

I was writing a paper last week and I was up for about 3 days straight. Well, I slept for about 7 hours a 72 hour period. By the third morning I accomplished a lot of stuff, like an inhuman amount of stuff in a very short time. According to my mom, I also sort of sounded like I was on meth because I was talking so fast. Probably a sign I should have slept.

I didn't.

My saving grace last week (because there has to be one in a week like I had last week): Windows.

{We Heart It}

I know that seems a little strange. But about the second day on little sleep I started to feel like I was in a box all the time. I go from my car (rectangle) to my office (box) to home (box) to my bed (rectangle) to my home desk (rectangle) repeat. I'm always in a box or looking at a box. I don't get fresh air. (Granted the fresh air was about 10 degrees last week.) And I felt trapped. You know the trapped feeling you get when everything in your life is crushing you.

I had to work to keep myself calm.

But sitting in front of a computer working against a hard deadline is not the place to convince yourself that you're not trapped. Because you are trapped.

So I looked to my right, just for a second. And I saw the window. And through the window I could see the trees, the beautiful snow on the ground, and the sky. The sight of infinite sky is what saved me. And I was filled with a profound gratitude for windows. I could see the inky indigo sky dotted with stars and clouds. The sky that turns the whole world blue at that special time of night. The time that is so still that silence becomes a sound. The sky that stretches to the moon, and Pluto** and beyond. How can you feel trapped when the whole universe is just out a window?

During the day, at work I sit next to the most incredible wall of windows. I'm not sure how I managed to land that seat, but the connection to the outside world is almost the only thing that makes my life okay most days. I have the sun. I can feel its warmth. I can soak up the healing. I can't feel trapped when I can feel the sun.

I can't think about windows without thinking of Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music saying, "When God closes a door, He always opens a window."

I guess beyond the connection that windows give me to the outside world, they also give a sense of hope. I hope that I will one day be able to look at windows from the flip side. I hope I can wander into the great big world and stare in at the boxes. I hope that I won't be stuck feeling unfulfilled. I hope I will be able to pry open that window that has been painted shut for years and escape.

Until I find my crowbar though, I'm enjoying planning what my life in the sun-drenched world is going to be like.

Hint: It's going to be beautiful. It already is most of the time.

{We Heart It}

---------------------------------------------
*It still does suck, it didn't stop after I turned it in. Seriously when are they going to invent self-correcting paper? Except that I think my paper would have had to burst into flames. It was beyond help.
** You'll always be a planet to me!

Life is juicy, juicy!

2009-12-15T01:06:00.001-07:00

Two of my favorite bloggers recently tagged me to write a list of 10 things that make me happy. Lists make me happy, and they make me happy, so I am more than happy to do this. Happy x 4 = Joy. Isn't that the equation?

Thanks Little Fish and Hazel. Without further ado, here we go in no particular order.

Oh, first here are the rules.

The rules of this award:
List 10 things that make you happy.
Try and do at least one of them today.
Tag bloggers that brighten your day.
Link back to the person that tagged you.

10. I love being a passenger in a car. I drive a lot. A lot a lot. And when I get to relax and be taken somewhere it makes me sort of ridiculously happy.

9. I have a whole bunch of books lined up to read. Including: The Graveyard Book, Unseen Academicals, Fire, finally finishing The Book Thief and some others. I am so excited. Books!

8. The Muppets! Singing songs! Christmas Songs. Classic Rock Songs! Classical songs! The muppets!

7. Lincoln Park After Dark. I'm Not Really A Waitress. Eiffel for this Color. I love OPI Nail Colors. They always have exactly what I want, whether it be baby pink or gunmetal grey with sparkles. And now, I have a little bit of time to paint my nails. Imagine that, looking nice.

6. Glee. Rachel singing Don't Rain on My Parade was amazing. Sometimes the drama is a little much. But the singing is amazing. I can't wait for the next 9 episodes.

5. My mom. She's amazing. My dad is amazing too.

4. Vision correction. I'd be a blind mess without help. I would run into so many more things if I didn't have this.

3. Heating.

2. Crazy dreams. Like the one I had this weekend where I was fighting with soccer moms because they didn't like the way I was running the local girl scout troop. Crazy/awesome, right?

1. Friends. I'm lucky to have the people I do in my life. I hope I don't take them for granted.

Oh there are so many of you who make me happy. I'll just tag a Few. Mandy. Nicole. Megs. Technodoll. Janet. Kirsten. J. and Jess. There are so many more of you who make me happy. But once again, it's 1:30 and I must go to bed.

My goal for this week: String together a post that doesn't involve numbers. Oooh, maybe even have a topic and paragraphs! Woo!

I survived

2009-12-14T01:26:00.002-07:00

It's too late to blog right now. I started drafting one. But it's 1:30 a.m. and I'm sort of tired (aka exhuasted). I still have a big project I'm working on, but I finished my paper that was due last week!

And I have a thesis topic! For realsies. No more teasing.

Yay! One big thing to do this week and things should get a lot less crazy for a brief period. Either way more blogging/commenting is in our near future.

Thanks for putting up with me dropping off the face of the planet.

Nothing is better than a wet nose

2009-12-14T00:53:00.006-07:00

When you feel lousy, puppy therapy is indicated.
-Sara Paretsky

{We Heart It}

All I have to say is, thank heavens for a puppy (okay he may be like 6 now, but he'll always be my puppy) who thinks the sun rises and sets with me. One who is always up for a cuddle, or who wants to be chased. Love him.

Let's pray I'm still standing tomorrow

2009-12-09T21:42:00.001-07:00

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

— Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
via TwentyThree

Light the Fire

2009-12-06T20:38:00.003-07:00

There is in every woman’s heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.

-Washington Irving

{We Heart It}

More Lists!

2009-12-04T00:35:00.009-07:00

{We Heart It}

I have a confession. I'm thinking in lists right now. I have about a zillion lists in the little black notebooks I carry so that I can attempt to keep track of myself. So it's no wonder that when I sit down to write a post, the only thing that comes out are lists.

First, pre-list item: On Wednesday, I was over at little Fish's for the fourth installment of her Beauty School project. I love it, seriously. Reading what everyone loves about themselves always makes me happy. I feel content after reading every entry.

1. I'm over the whole cult of celebrity crap that our society has going on. I think it leads to entitled attitudes, an over reliance on what people who happen to be able to "act" think (i.e. Do we really care what Megan Fox has to say? No.), and an over dependence on gossip news. All of this displaces real news. When I try to watch the news lately I end up yelling at my television. All of this is making me feel like a very cranky, old lady.

2. Really, if Tiger Woods cheated I don't need to know. Nor do I care to know. The only person who needs to know is his wife. It's a private matter. My life will not stop moving based on whether he did or did not cheat. The media storm this week has increased my levels of crankiness. (Which is really, quite an accomplishment.) I sort of feel like the negative attention is a behaviorist reinforcement because it gets a celebrity talked about for a long time. Which raises their public awareness. Granted it's negative for awhile, but then people sort of forget the negative and just remembers the celebrity. If a celebrity does something awesome, there's maybe a 5 minute blurb about it and hardly anyone remembers it. Can we get that reversed?

3. I also blame the Cult of Celebrity for things like The Hills, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Jon and Kate + 8. I feel like too many people are looking for their 15 minutes (i.e. the freaking white house crashers, and that balloon hoax family) instead of looking on how to invest wisely in their futures and the future of our world. Think of the children!

4. I hate that reality TV personalities are often rewarded for their naive or just plain ignorant views.

5. I'm done ranting about that for this post.

6. I've sent multiple letters to a certain Metallic Gym which Shall Not Be Named informing them that my contract is not to be renewed. They tell me to read my contract. Well, asshats, I did read my contract. And according to the terms thereof I'm free since I notified you in writing not once but twice before the contract was set to renew. Both before the 30 day mark was reached. If you attempt to charge me for any upcoming years we are going to have an epic smack down.

7. Now I'm done ranting. But I'm all worked up so I can't sleep just yet. The list must go on!

8. I've started using an amazing new face cream. It's called Wei East. Quite simply, it's amazing. My skin has been slightly problematic since my early twenties. This stuff is clearing up my face and is making it radiant. It's a miracle. Really. I'm ready to canonize this stuff. The dark circles from all the sleep I'm not getting have disappeared. Enough said.

9. I think I'm closing in on a thesis topic. WOOHOO. Finally!

10. I miss my Grandma and my cat so much. I think about them a lot.

11. Apparently I fall into the "mid-singles" status in my Church. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? It seems an odd way to say "30ish." Which are not bad words when combined with single. Hand over heart. If you live in Utah, you know that some people think their single friends about my age must be miserable. Honestly, I could not be happier to be single. In Utah a lot of people get married on the younger side, like 21-24ish.

11 (a). I think we stumble across the right person when it's the right time. (And sometimes we stumble across the wrong person in a moment of weakness.) I was lucky enough that stumbling at some yet to be determined date left me with lots of free time in my 20s to travel and pursue higher education. I don't think I would have been happy to "settle down" until I'd done this*. I would have always wondered and been slightly restless. We all have our own path, and we're all on it for our own reasons.

11(b). Things work out.

12. 11 a-b might only make sense if you know Utah marriage culture. This is not the list to go into all of that. But if you want some clarification, you can read the satirical blog Seriously So Blessed.

13. I like having adventures.

14. My life has been too short on adventures lately. (I promise I still have a few great Disneyworld pictures, I just can't find my uploader. It would help if I would look for it thought. I'm not going to lie.)

15. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on blogs a lot lately. I'm reading you. I just feel very dull and lifeless lately. Summoning words to leave a comment is almost too much. I feel like a slug most days. *slime, slime*

Sorry for my abuse of quotes, bolds, italics, and random capitalization.

--------------------------------------
*I actually don't believe in settling down. I believe in finding someone to have adventures with. And I'm not willing to settle for less.

Easing back in with a list.

2009-11-29T21:07:00.009-07:00

Okay, here we go, in no particular order and in no particular topic. And in no particular relation to the above picture.

1. I'm looking forward to being done with my graduate program. And to taking a brief break from school. I know what my quote said today, that we should take time to enjoy things. But you know what? I feel like I've savored this time. And I'm ready to savor some free time. Where I don't feel guilty for not being about to multitask every project at once. Also, I suspect you'll be happy to hear me no longer complain about it.

2. I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about Twilight. Let me be more specific: I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how much I dislike Twilight. The theory behind Twilight is interesting, and there is sort of a good story there. But the execution makes me crazy. And spending all this time thinking about it is driving me crazy. For my favorite summary of Twilight, go here. To tempt you, here's an awesome picture from it.

Tell me those sparkles don't make your Monday morning brighter.

Also, my favorite quote:

Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

Pure awesomeness.

3. I saw New Moon this weekend.

4. I hated the girl behind me in New Moon who screamed "NO!!!!1!1!!!" every time Bella and Jacob almost kissed. Newsflash: this is a story, your immortal soul is not predicated on who kisses.

5. I'm allergic to lipstick. Just thought I'd share.

6. I can't think of anything for this number. I have a weird thing about the number six though. I'm just not a big fan.

7. I sort of want Hayley from Paramore's hair. Even though I sometimes think my ears are too old to enjoy Paramore.

8. And I want these shoes.

Mostly so I can click my heels together and say, "There's no place like home" at inappropriate times.

9. I love Audrey Hepburn. She says awesome things.

10. I need to quit my gym.

Cartoons

2009-11-29T20:45:00.002-07:00

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
-Bill Watterson

Two for the price of one

2009-11-22T22:22:00.002-07:00

I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.
-Albert Einstein

{via XKCD}

Bonus:
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.
-Kurt Vonnegut

I am a huge nerd, but this has a sweet ending

2009-11-21T10:49:00.005-07:00

{We Heart It}

Wednesday was like the cherry on top of all the bad days I've been having lately. I almost burst into tears in the middle of the day. I hate crying. And crying at work is like the worst place to cry ever. There was a new process implemented and work that I didn't understand at all. And in addition to learning it, it created a lot of work for me in another side-project I've been working on. Like I had to restructure a couple big things to accommodate the changes.

Plus, I didn't understand the explanation of the new process. So I went to one of my co-workers and asked him to explain it. He remarked on how calm I sounded, which I then explained to him that when I'm super super upset I sound unnaturally calm. It's just one of those weird things.

So he successfully explained the new process to me, which was really nice in and of itself.

The next morning I walked by and said hi. He stopped me and handed me a little box of nerds. Which are my favorite candies ever. (Which I'd told him a few weeks ago, around Halloween.)

Isn't that the sweetest thing?

It was done without any motive other than trying to cheer me up. And you know what, the rest of my day was awesome.

Sometimes it's the really little things that can turn your life around.

Maybe this is obvious to you, but I had to think about it

2009-11-17T12:44:00.003-07:00

I saw this quote the other week:

My first reaction was to be disappointed. Because I'm not in love with a fabulous guy, or even a semi-fabulous guy. Sorry bf, I just don't like you that much. JUST KIDDING. There is no bf.

I thought about it though, and realized that there are a lot of people who are not in love. Either because they're too young, have never found someone, or maybe even because they married someone they like a lot but it's not a love match. Who knows? And just because they're not in love doesn't mean they should have an amazing life.

So, then, the love in the quote couldn't be exclusively for people who have someone to love in their life. It leaves too many people out of the equation.

And then it kind of dawned on me; I need to have love for the things I am committed to in order to enjoy my life.

And that's the problem right now. I just can't find love in my heart for the things I'm doing. I wake up everyday and I dread, dread, dread getting out of bed. There are just so many things. And they all want my attention. And mental commitment. And they all have deadlines. And there is just no joy in the deadlines.¹

And among those things, I'm not taking any time to do anything that I really love. The things I used to find joy in feel like burdens. And when they ask more of me I just want to walk away. And the things that were escapes--like reading and exercise and even blogging--feel like frivolities. And I don't feel like I have the time for frivolities.

I have felt too busy to take any escapes for the last little while, and as a result I'm totally burnt out. And I just don't feel the love for my life I used to. And it's honestly never been this bad before. Which led me to write a few weeks ago about how unhappy I've been feeling lately. I guess though, that I expect times of unhappiness in life. I'm with Solomon when he wrote to everything there is a season. There are times of unhappiness, which just serve to punctuate the joy that can (and will again) come into life.

Last week, was pretty great though because I got to take a vacation from everything. The conference went really well, I'll do a little update about it soon. But then I woke up on Saturday absolutely dreading returning to my life.

That was the day I went to Disney World, so I told myself that I absolutely had to put that feeling off. I had to tell myself a few times that day. (I'm glad too.)

When I got to Disney World I felt like a kid again. I ran around, and skipped through the whole day. I haven't been that happy in a long time. When I called my parents, they remarked on how happy I sounded. Which just reinforced my opinion that I need to do things that make me happy. And are just fun and silly.

So my new goal is to relax a little. It's a lot harder than it sounds because I have a lot of deadlines coming due. But blogging this out is my first step to doing things that make me happy.

Next: MUST EXERCISE!

What are the things that you do in your life that make you happy?

--------------------------------------------
¹Except for in my paper about the Schillerian aesthetic as reflected in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I can't tell you how excited I am to write that paper. I am a total dork, but I accept it and wear the dork flag proudly. But even the excitement I feel about that is being drained by everything else.

It's a world of magic

2009-11-16T20:18:00.005-07:00

Winner! It's a lucky family:

Congratulations Dagny! You can email me your address and I'll mail your prize to you reasonably soon. (Dagny's sister, Emmy won my first-ever blog give away.)

Disney was absolutely awesome. I'll post a few of my pictures later this week.

Have a great day!

Into the Woods

2009-11-15T09:47:00.002-07:00

{We Heart It}

Because I am super, super happy

2009-11-11T08:00:00.002-07:00

{We Heart It}

Guess what it's time for?

Give away!

Just because I feel like it. And I'm super happy to flee for a little while. Even if it is a partially working vacation.

So here's the deal, I'll pick up a little something in Disney World or Epcot and ship it, and a book*, to you when I get back**!

Enter by next Monday. I'll pick a winner on Monday, November 16 at about 8 pm MT.

Good luck!

----------------------------
*Of course a book. I love books and love to give books away!
**I actually really suck at shipping things. But I do promise to mail it by December 1. :)

Remember my whining last week?

2009-11-10T00:30:00.005-07:00

Me too. I was very unhappy last week. It's not like I had a good reason for it. But I was. You know what snapped me out of my unhappiness though?

DISNEY WORLD!

I'm going! This week! I leave for Florida tomorrow!

Sure I have to do a some things first. Like go to a conference, and make a fool of myself for two hours while people ask me questions I fully anticipate not being able to give adequate answers to. And attend classes for a few days. But you know what makes up for all of that?

Oh yes, yes you do.

DISNEY WORLD!

DISNEY WORLD!

DISNEY WORLD!

(I'm a dork, but I put Disney world as a status on Facebook, and then I liked my own status. How can you not?)

DISNEY WORLD!
I'm going to try to post while I'm gone, but I make no guarantees.

Wonder

2009-11-08T21:48:00.003-07:00

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.
-Roald Dahl

{We Heart It}

The great pumpkin

2009-11-06T00:43:00.004-07:00

I had a big list of things I was going to accomplish tonight after I finally finished working (at 10 pm--BOO!). And then you know what I did? I fell asleep. Glorious, glorious sleep. Which means now that I've actually dragged my butt to bed I'm not going to write the post I had planned on. I will write it soon. But just not right this moment.

I wanted to thank you all for your comments and emails after my post about not being happy. Sometimes I feel like that quote I've seen everywhere lately that says something along the lines of "I'm both happy and sad in my life and I don't know how that could be." I sometimes feel like life is a balancing act of emotions. Maybe we balance it all out in a day, maybe in a lifetime. Maybe we have to go through periods where unhappiness prevails so that when the light breaks through, it comes through all the brighter.

I think of myself as basically a happy person. Right now, I just need to figure out how to make adjustments on the things I can control so that I can manage the things that are bringing me down.

Plus there's that whole crane folding project which I've been thinking a lot about. I haven't had a lot of time, but I've been working on it. I'm thinking I might debut it at the first of the year. (Can you believe it's November already?)

I thought the picture of Linus just kind of sums up what you all did for me in the last post. Thinking about your kind words and advice was a boost I needed. And I want you to know how wonderful you are. In the words of Charles Schulz, I believe in you. Each and every one of you. (And I don't think any of you are fakes.)

I love the words, I believe in you. How wonderful are they? Seriously.

Have a great weekend!

PS My back is feeling much better. It's still tender, but taking time off and letting it rest was the right thing to do.

Reach out and touch someone

2009-11-04T06:20:00.001-07:00

I'm over at Little Fish's for the wonderful Beauty School project. Come join us!

If you're not participating, you should leave something you love about yourself in the comments. The more the merrier!

Whine and Cheese

2009-11-02T18:11:00.005-07:00

I'm just not happy right now. Which I say as way of an explanation. It's not something I expect anyone to fix, and I don't blame you if you don't even read it. I might even encourage you just to skip down to the recipe I'm going to share.

I feel trapped. Right now, I'm having a very hard time envisioning myself finishing my master's degree. Which is partially because I can't really think of a thesis topic. I've enjoyed what I've studied. Don't get me wrong, it's just that I feel absolutely no passion for it. None. And now that I'm interning in the actual subject of it, I've actually developed a strong distaste for some aspects of it. Plus the internship is causing me endless amounts of stress. I can't really go into the details of why, but every time I think about it my stomach is filled with acid butterflies and my hands get cold and clammy. I hate those two things, and they're not getting better, the feelings are just getting worse. Then combine the fact that with my sickness and the recent (read Sunday) throwing out my back I haven't been able to be into work as much as I'd planned (those chairs at work are so painful last time I went in with back pain it stretched on for weeks and weeks), the deadline when I was supposed to be done has been extended.

Why does sickness and injury make me feel like I'm a slacker? Do I expect too much of myself? Or too little? I feel like I'm failing by standards that I don't even buy into. Which is very frustrating.

It seems like there's no light at the end of this tunnel. I know it's there. It's just that I'm so caught up in seeing the problems in my life, I'm not seeing how they can be resolved. The transition to hope will come, and right now I have to trust I'll see the resolutions when I'm ready.

In the mean time, I'm really stressed.

*stomach flips*

My one redeeming grace for this four-month period is that I'm enrolled in a Literary Philosophy class on Knowledge. Which is beyond awesome. I feel like reading philosophy has filled this hole in me I didn't even know I had. But the problem with it is that I feel tongue tied. There are so many things I want to say and write about but because all of the hours that are consumed by my internship and two jobs I haven't had the time I wanted to spend on this class. Or the time I want to write about it here. Which is also causing stress.

And I'm really frustrated. I know I've whined about being busy in the past, and probably will again in the future, but I can't even begin to tell you how busy I am right now. It's okay. Things will come to and end. Eventually. I'll figure out a thesis topic. I'll figure out how to wrap up the project quickly.

*sigh* Sorry I'm such a downer today. My back really hurts, and I'm really frustrated.

If you've come this far into my whine you deserve a little reward. So I want to pass on an awesome recipe I found/made last week. It's for sausage and kale lasagna. I found it on Delish, which is my new favorite recipe place. I chose it because you don't have to layer it like a traditional lasagna. Plus, I LOVE kale.

Ingredients

12 ounce(s) spicy Italian sausage*, removed from casings and crumbled
2 large onions, halved and thinly sliced (4 cups)
1 bunch(es) (1 1/2 pounds) kale, thick stems removed
4 clove(s) garlic, minced
Coarse salt and ground pepper
8 ounce(s) (about 9 noodles) lasagna noodles , each broken crosswise into 4 to 6 pieces
1 pint(s) cherry or grape tomatoes, halved
3 cup(s) part-skim ricotta cheese
1/2 cup(s) finely grated Parmesan cheese

*I used Mild Italian Chicken Sausage because of an allergy to beef and pork. I got it at Whole Foods.

Directions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. In a 5-quart pot, cook sausage over medium heat, stirring often, until browned, about 5 minutes. Stir in onions; cover, and cook until softened, 5 minutes. Uncover; cook, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, 10 to 15 minutes. Add garlic; cook 2 minutes. Transfer to a large bowl.
Add kale and 1/2 cup water to pot; season with salt and pepper. Cover; cook over medium-low heat, tossing occasionally, until tender, 10 to 15 minutes. Drain; coarsely chop. Transfer to bowl with onions.
Meanwhile, cook noodles 2 minutes less than package instructions. Drain; rinse under cold water.
Add noodles, tomatoes, and ricotta to the bowl; season with 1 1/2 teaspoons salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Toss well. Pour into a 9-by-13-inch baking dish; smooth top with a spatula. Sprinkle with Parmesan (I also put a little in the filling). Bake until golden brown, about 40 minutes. Cool 10 minutes before serving.

This was seriously one of the best lasagnas I have ever had, and everyone who tried it had nothing but good things to say about it. It was time consuming to make and the kitchen was covered in dishes, but I would definitely do it again.

One cool thing about Delish is that if you want to alter the number of people you are cooking for you can change the serving number and it will automatically alter the amounts in the recipe. The recipe above easily serves 8. If you want to alter the number for this recipe, here it is.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me whine.

You'll have to tell me what you think of the recipe if you make it.

Once more with feeling

2009-11-01T01:59:00.004-06:00

It is never too late to be who you might have been.
-George Eliot

{via Across the Universe}

Why you should always keep Puffs Lotion tissues handy

2009-10-26T21:50:00.003-06:00

subtitle: My brain feels like mush.

I love it when people go out in public sick. Like in an office, so that they can breathe their sickness into the air and it can get recycled around and everyone can breathe in their germs. It's really nice of them.

I love it so much that I took Friday and Monday off so that I could stay home and enjoy being sick. With my brain feeling all mushy. And me feeling all weird and floaty. It's been super, super fun.

I know it was selfish of me to not share all those germs. What can I say? I'm a jerk like that.

I've caught up on watching free things on Netflix. Which has been awesome. But I now feel really, really blah. Also, watching that much of the the Office can be depressing. Because art can (and unfortunately does) imitate life. Or is it life that imitates art? Either way though, there's no Jim in my daily life. Which might actually be the one redeeming quality.

So, I'm going back to my Jimless world tomorrow.

If you made it through this post and your brain doesn't feel like mush, you get a gold star.

Because my brain feels like mush again. Oh yeah, it's going to be great going back tomorrow.

Fall-ing in love

2009-10-20T20:46:00.018-06:00

I inexplicably have TLC's song Creep in my head.

I sometimes get weird songs stuck in my head, like Outkast's Ms. Jackson. I used to walk up to Hazel and say, "Sorry, Ms. Jackson." At which point she'd get mad at me. There might have been some disgruntled sighs and some exasperated, Katie!s in the annoyed way as only she can. The way she says it is awesome. But sharing the love with weird songs is one of my favorite things to do.

So I recently went to New Hampshire and spent an all too brief 3 days there¹.

I love New Hampshire. Love it so much that I was planning ways I could move away from Utah and move there. If only I was a wildly successful author now I could buy that million dollar house overlooking a lake! Alas! In the mean time I have to save my pennies and work on that amazing novel.

Don't be surprised one day if I just pick up and move across the country. If only.

Until then I have pictures, as Rebecca said:

Just for you Rebecca, I'm going to be less of a slug than usual and pull the best pictures off my camera. Usually it takes me months to do that. I wish that was a joke.

I stayed with my Aunt, who has an amazing yard. I'm not the only one who thinks that either. Her gardens were featured in Martha Stewart Living last winter.

She grows kiwis in her garden! They're tiny little things, a variant on the big ones you can buy in stores, but they taste exactly the same. Isn't that cool?

Here are two views from her balcony.

Here are some of the other beautiful fall colors.

You can see why I fell in love. I wish I was there now.

-------------------------------------
¹Next time I'm there Little Fish, we will totally connect. But I was in New York from 5:30 a.m. until 6:30 a.m. and I didn't think you'd want to pop by JFK for a five minute hello. Also I was groggy and in my glasses, and coming off of one of the most hellishly hot flights I'd ever been on. Plus, I'd been awake for about the past 28ish hours. Next time, I'm not doing a red eye across the country. Not no how.

Books R Us

2009-10-18T23:39:00.000-06:00

Lisa did this great meme, she called it my life in books. I liked it, so I thought I'd give it a try too. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of hard to remember what I'd read and when. But I'm pretty sure it's confined to what I've read in the last yearish. And some of the answers are kind of a reach. But hey, it was a fun exercise.

Describe yourself: When You Are Engulfed in Flames (David Sedaris)

How you feel: Good Omens (Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett)

Describe where you currently live: Evaluation Practice Reconsidered (Thomas A. Schwandt)

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Austenland (Shannon Hale)

Your favorite form of transportation: The Starfish and the Spider (Ori Brafman and Rod Beckstrom)

Your best friend is: .Chalice (Robin McKinley)

You and your friends are: The Jane Austen Book Club (Karen Joy Fowler)

What's the weather like: An Ice Cold Grave (Charlaine Harris) Okay not yet, but soon

Your fear: White Witch, Black Curse (Kim Harrison)

What is the best advice you have to give: You are Special (Max Lucado)

Thought for the day: The Unlikely Romance of Kate Bjorkman (Louise Plummer)

How would I like to die: The World to Come (Dara Horn)

My soul's present condition: Persuasion (Jane Austen)

Hope you enjoyed it. :)

On the edge of the whole wide world

2009-10-18T23:25:00.004-06:00

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

{We Heart It}

Love Cake

2009-10-15T19:29:00.001-06:00

{via YouTube}

Isn't this a sweet song? These girls are darling.

A weird conundrum

2009-10-14T21:59:00.009-06:00

{We Heart It}

You know how you can sometimes feel that snap and fizz with someone over the phone and email but then when you get together the snap is just plain snapped and the fizz has all fizzled?

So you write it off.

But then you remember how great it was so you start chatting and emailing again and its as good as it ever was. Maybe even better. All the magic is back, and life feels right again.

But then you meet again and it's terrible. Like a few grades down from setting your phone alarm so you can pretend it's an emergency phone call and get out of there.

But you can still email and call and have all the sparks. (Aka keep torturing each other with promises of things that don't materialize in person.)

It's kind of like being shown everything you ever wanted, but from inside an unbreakable cage. Or being taught how to miss something that's right in front of you.

Whatever it is though, it sucks. And it's a nasty little cosmic joke.

Two Days Late aka Bless Karishma

2009-10-13T13:39:00.004-06:00

Sometimes, in order to save yourself, you've go to reach out to someone else.
-Sara Dessen

{via TwentyThree}

You've probably noticed that about 95% of the pictures I post comes from TwentyThree. (And probably about 10% of the quotes.) It is an absolutely gorgeous and uplifting tumblr account. If you haven't already, you should check it out when you have a little bit of time go and look. The things she finds are amazing.

Hi!

2009-10-13T00:34:00.002-06:00

I went on vacation to New Hampshire this weekend. I visited family. I saw the fall colors. It was a whirlwind.

I loved it and it made me wonder why we passed up the opportunity to move there when I was younger.

Wish I'd had more time to be there and to maybe meet up with some of you friends out East.

Maybe next time.

Something Sweet

2009-10-07T07:36:00.002-06:00

Today I'm over at Little Fish's for her wonderful beauty school project. The thing I'm sharing is possibly my favorite things about myself. Go see. And see all the good things the other girls shared.

As a little bonus on my Facebook live-feed shared something good with me today (as opposed to the horror of another c-section). Nellie McKay put out another album, it's called As Normal As Blueberry Pie. Her stuff is just fun to listen to. The first one had me feeling better just by listening. I hope you enjoy it too! You can listen to the rest of the album at NPR.

In all its glory

2009-10-04T18:35:00.005-06:00

Everyone needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike.
-John Muir

The Sunset in Yellowstone
{via Flickr}

In between running around like a mad woman this week, I've taken a few moments to watch Ken Burns documentary on the National Parks. Just watching that has touched me in ways I haven't been touched in a long time.

All I have to say is bless the people who created the national park. Bless the people who have fought for their protection. Bless the people who work there, and continue to preserve them today.

On the documentary, people who have been involved with parks since their inception shared stories. As they choked up with remembered beauty, and sacred experiences with nature--I couldn't help but choke up too. Even if I don't get to the parks every year, I know they are there. They're like the beating heart of America. And standing as monument for the virtues we still need to be working to protect and preserve.

I need to go get back in touch with these places.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

2009-10-03T22:55:00.002-06:00

On my live-feed on Facebook a few minutes ago I got to see the inside of one of my friends. It wasn't filled with sugar and spice as I'd been led to believe as a child.

No, this was the full blood and gore pictures of her c-section.

Please excuse me while I gag.

I hate it when I'm forced to see that we actually run because of blood and gore and sinew and bones. I so much prefer the sugar and spice theory.

I can understand how those pictures would be very meaningful to the family. I mean this is their little pookie being born. It's a sacred moment for them. But for me, I'm getting on Facebook to see what sort of craziness my friends have been up to. Not to learn that my friends was recently split open, and then actually get to see their insides.

Drawing this whole point to it's logical question, I have to ask: Would the same person post pictures of a vaginal birth? Um, I'm guessing NOT. So why, in the name of blood and goriness, do you post pictures of the c-section. With NO warning.

I feel violated.

Um, yeah

2009-09-30T00:02:00.007-06:00

{via We Heart It}

I don't think I've ever been as busy as I am right now. At the end of each day I fall into my bed absolutely exhausted. The only reason I can write this right now is because I took a brief mini-nap on the couch to work up the energy to get to bed. It was glorious.

Soon I'm heading off to a bigger nap, aka night where I fall asleep and dream about things that aren't what they should be. Like being lost in London, and ATM machines that eat my card and take my money, and trains that trap me for hours and won't move. Or there was the one dream where I was lost and tired, and I found a house and rested on a bed to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep. Do you know how frustrating it is to dream about being tired but being unable to sleep?

Actually, now that I write it, it's pretty funny. I'm laughing.

I'm sorry I haven't been out to visit all your blogs. I miss reading what you're writing and what's going on.

Three things have become apparent to me in the last few days:

I need to start getting 8 hours of sleep a night. I honestly don't know if there are enough hours in the day for that though. This one might have to wait.
I need to start exercising. I need a stress reliever and this is guarantee. Also it makes me feel better and gives me more energy. So, why am I not doing this again?
I need to start setting aside some time for me. All my energy can't keep going to things outside of me.

I appreciate good friends who give me moments to do the last one. Especially for sushi tonight. I needed that.

I need to hear something happy. Anyone hear anything good lately?

Ten Things that Should not Exist*

2009-09-27T22:33:00.004-06:00

1. Two-day weekends. It needs to be three at least.
2. Onion breath.
3. People who come to class in their moldy gym clothes. And then sit next to me. *gag*
4. White hairs on my head.
5. Steve Urkel glasses on the face of a girl in 2009. WHY?
6. The pink tie-dyed top with neon yellow shorts and neon green biker shorts I saw walking around as an actual outfit. It is 2009, not 1989. Yeah, really.
7. Barking dogs at 6 a.m.
8. Eye shadow creasing. It makes me cranky.
9. Burn out. I have it. I don't want it.
10. Two-day weekends. I mean it. I want tomorrow off too.

What's on your list of things that shouldn't exist?

----------------------------
*Besides the obvious like poverty, famine, war, pestilence, etc. I think we all know we'd get rid of those if we could.

The whole world

2009-09-27T16:54:00.004-06:00

Everything is possible for him [or her] who believes.
-Mark 9:23

{via Lolita}

Post-it

2009-09-23T20:49:00.010-06:00

I save a lot of the notes I write to myself. Even if they're only one-liner thoughts or grocery lists. Like on my work badge, I have a post-it that says "Life has to be more than the sum of parts that fail to work." It's sort of a way to track what I was thinking (even when I can't remember why I was thinking that).

The dashboard on my Mac is littered with virtual post-its. Most are, shock!, books I need to read. But some of the, like the one pictured above, are thoughts that struck me during a lecture.

I opened my dashboard the other day, for the first time in a while, and one of the notes I had written jumped out at me. A one line question:

Is it rational to be afraid of the work you feel you were put here to do?

I don't remember what prompted me to write that. I must have written it in a moment of fear, and of clarity. There are times when I am nervous that I'm not enough. That I will fail at what I want most, and not fail in the little ways but capital-F fail so that I'll have to start my life over at an age where I should be experiencing some level of security.

One little voice nags about this fear of failure, but the other one says so what? bring on the adventure! I like the second voice much better.

But back to the question. I think most of us experience this fear in varying degrees. But if we're working towards what we really feel we should be doing, is it really rational to feel that fear?

No more drama

2009-09-21T06:46:00.006-06:00

I was at Ikea a few weeks ago getting bookshelves (woo!). My dad and I each took a side of those ridiculously small flats you're supposed to balance the bookshelves on and we were wheeling towards the checkout. We were almost to the front when some girl steps right in my path, so that I nearly run into her, and starts screaming at this other girl,

"You guys totally ditched me! You knew I wanted to look at the towels and you guys just left me! I can't believe you'd do that. You know I hate being alone! I can't believe you'd ditch me! I can't believe you'd do this to me! You knew I wanted to look at those things! Why would you ditch me." etc. etc.

The girl she was screaming at tries to reason with her and tries to apologize, but that screaming girl just kept screaming. As we passed, I turned to my dad and said loudly, "There's a reason I'm not friends with people like that."

That was probably a little bit mean to say, especially since I did it in what I hoped was her hearing, but it's true.

When someone loses it like that, over something trivial, don't you kind of just lose your patience for them? I do. I don't do drama. I don't put up with it. Life's too short to spend worrying about who's mad at who and for whatever stupid reason.

My bff says that this quality scares the hell out of some people, because I don't believe in bullshit*. (And I'm pretty good at calling bullshit, too.) I say, we should all be who we really are. Let's not pretend*. There would be a lot less stupid drama if people didn't feel the need to point out how important they are by being difficult.

So, when my car threw that same sort of temper tantrum, I kind of lost my patience for it. In the morning on my way to work the air was working fine. Then five hours later when I got into the car to go to school, in 95 degree weather I might add, and I tried to cool the car but NO AIR CAME OUT WHEN I TRIED TO TURN ON THE A/C AND SO I HAD TO ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN ON THE FREEWAY. I hate the sound of high-speed wind. I ~~kind of~~ lost that loving feeling for my car.

My car, which is not yet two and a half years old, which was two months out of warranty (in the mileage way and not the lifespan way), had the entire heating and cooling and fan system give out. The. Entire. System.

Let's take a minute for that to sink in.

Did I mention the car isn't yet 2.5 years old?

Of course, on the 95 degree day I just thought I'd blown a spark-plug or something. I didn't know everything had gone out. I discovered that after an extremely unpleasant conversation with some poor guy whose fault it wasn't that my car had a major malfunction. (No, I didn't yell.) After pleading my case to the dealership (I'm a student! I've brought my car to you, the dealership for every service and you didn't catch anything. Did I mention I'm a student?) they turned around and pled my case to the manufacturer who ended up covering all the parts for my car. Which was super nice and ended up saving me about $1200, 2/3 of the cost of the repair. I really appreciate that.

I equate the manufacturers gesture with the screaming-Ikea girl buying her screamed-at friend one of those low-fat yogurt soft serve ice cream cones near the Ikea exit. It's a nice gesture, but it doesn't change the fact that you were just screamed at. Or the fact that your brand new(ish) car had a major malfunction.

Like I said, the car tale has a semi-happy ending. But I still feel like I dealt with stupid drama for no good reason.

And I don't do drama.

---------------------------------------
*When I say that, I don't mean that I don't believe in being nice and helping people out. Some people say they don't believe in bullshit and then proceed to be as rude as possible. I think that just means they're selfish jerks. I don't play that game.

*Although sometimes I think we need to pretend in order to get to the place where we can be real. You know, try on different lives to see how they fit. But that's not faking your entire existence. That's just figuring out who you are. There is a grand canyon chasm of difference.

Go for it

2009-09-20T17:56:00.003-06:00

The finest gift you can give anyone is encouragement. Yet, almost no one gets the encouragement they need to grow to their full potential. If everyone received the encouragement they need to grow, the genius in most everyone would blossom and the world would produce abundance beyond our wildest dreams.
-Sidney Madwed

{via We Heart It}

Random Thursday Thoughts

2009-09-17T00:18:00.007-06:00

So, I started wondering today if I would miss my belly button if I suddenly no longer had one.

I haven't thought about it in months, haven't really looked at it in at least that long. I don't feel any great sense of definition as a human because I have a belly button.

But I hear people who no longer have belly buttons (because of tummy tucks or surgery or whatever) miss the belly button.

I'm kind of meh about the whole thing.

I don't know. Would you miss your belly button if it suddenly went away?

PS I promise to update you about my Crane project and the semi-happy ending to my car drama. I hate drama, have I ever mentioned that? This week though has entailed many nights working until 10. This leaves me stressed and unbloggy-feeling.

Waiting and Hoping

2009-09-13T21:33:00.005-06:00

All human wisdom is summed up in two words--wait and hope.
-Alexandre Dumas

{via TwentyThree}

The World to Come

2009-09-10T23:57:00.007-06:00

{via We Heart It}

Awhile ago I mentioned the book I'm reading, The World to Come by Dara Horn. Well, I'm still reading it now. For whatever reason I'm not moving through it very quickly. It could be the multitasking, and the fact that I've read a couple other school books. Anyway, I recently read the most beautiful part of the book. I couldn't keep it to myself. The book has a lot of Yiddish folktales in it, and this is one of them.

Two children were once abandoned in a forest, a boy and a girl. A blind beggar found them there, but he could not lead them out of the forest. Instead he gave them bread. The children took it, and the beggar offered them a blessing: that they should be like him.

The next day the lost children were hungry again. A deaf beggar offered them bread. He, too, left them with the blessing that they should be like him. By the seventh day, seven beggars had found and fed them: first the blind one and the deaf one, then a stutterer, then one with a crooked neck, then hunchback, then one with missing hands, and finally one with a missing leg. Each of them offered the same blessing: that the children should be like them.

Years passed, and the children grew up. They found a path to a town and joined a roving group of beggars, "going over the houses," begging for alms. When the children were finally old enough, the beggars decided that they should marry each other, and the children agreed. So the beggars prepared the wedding hall in the forest.

During the seven days of the wedding feast, the children wanted to see the seven beggars who had helped them when they were abandoned in the forest. On each day, they asked for one of the beggars, and on each day one of the beggars appeared. Each one denied his handicap and told them many stories giving the children the wedding gift of becoming just like them

On the first day, the blind beggar arrived at the wedding feast.

"Do you think I'm blind?" the blind beggar asked. "I'm not blind at all. It's just that all of eternity is nothing more than an eyeblink to me." He then told them that he was once in a shipwreck, and he and the other survivors decided to tell each other stories--the oldest experiences they could think of, their very earliest memories of life. The others told many stories, but the blind beggar told the oldest one of all: he remembered nothingness, the place before stories. And he gave the children his gift: a long life.

One the second day, the deaf beggar arrived.

"Do you think I'm deaf?" the deaf beggar asked. "I'm not deaf at all. It's just that it isn't worth hearing a whole world full of people complaining about what they lack." He told the story of a wealthy country where people believed they were living "the good life." The country had a garden of riches, of so many sights and smells and sounds that the people in the country literally lost their senses spoiled by everything they had already seen and heard and smelled and tasted and touched, until the deaf beggar taught them how to use their senses again. And he gave the children his gift: a good life.

On the third day, the stuttering beggar arrived.

"Do you think I'm a stutterer?" the stuttering beggar asked. "I'm not a stutterer at all. It's just that all the words of the world that aren't praise will never be worth saying" He told a story of a mountain with a spring emerging from a rock, and the heart of the world--because everything, the stutterer said, has a heart, including the world--which stood thousands of miles away. The heart and the spring yearned for each other constantly, but the spring could only live through the time the heart gave it, the days the heart created by singing songs and riddles to the spring. And the beggar gave the children his gift: songs and riddles, to use to create time.

And so the crippled beggars continued appearing at the wedding one after another each day. Nothing was what it seemed. Each of their defects turned out to be strange gifts, talents for finding the true world behind the imaginary one and for picking up the pieces of a broken world.

Don't you love it? When I need to be fixed, stories like that have the power to fix me.

I am so in love with this book. Dara Horn is amazing. I can't wait to pick up her other books.

Liz Lemon Quote of the day

2009-09-09T00:04:00.010-06:00

Hey nerds! Guess who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried all day?

This moi.

*points to self with thumbs*
-Liz Lemon, Succession

Seriously, I love Liz Lemon. I've had that quote in my head all day.

There are so many days when that is exactly how I want to describe myself.

Netflix has the first two seasons on instant watch until October 1. So, it's time to rewatch them all so I can quote all the supercool things like the quote above. And then have people stare at me strangely because apparently nobody I am friends with is an obsessive fan like I am. How is that possible, I ask you.

In other news, I will soon be buying every season of 30 Rock on DVD. So I can be supercool by myself.

Oh, but yeah. I won't be buying those for awhile. Why? Because my not yet two and a half year old car is going to cost just slightly less than my tuition this semester to fix. Speechless? YES? ME TOO. I am very unhappy about this development.

In other news, my car might not be my car for too much longer.

Also, thank you all for your quotes on my last post. I have some plans for this project which I'm really excited about!

When thoughts nag at you

2009-09-07T00:27:00.009-06:00

{via TwentyThree}

When I was about twelve I went to hear an author speak. She was a Polish-American author who told fantastic stories about family and monsters. Although not necessarily in the same books. :) The book I had by her was about a hand-made quilt that was handed down through generations. It was used to wrap children, as a quilt over chuppas, it was placed on wedding beds, and on the beds of grandmas. It was a beautiful book about families.

For the most part, however, her stories were about the fantastic. They were about witches who lived in houses that had feet, and about clever children who outsmarted evil adults.

She read us excerpts from her books. She told us stories about her life and her family.

The last things she shared with us was a piece of meteor that fell into her family's yard. For years, the family legend was that the meteor was a wishing rock come to this earth. The legend was that it would grant wishes, but the catch was that it would only grant wishes that were unselfish.

She told us that when our time together was up that she would stand up just outside the doors and we could each make a wish. If we all wished for unselfish things, she said, then each of our wishes would come true. Think about what each of you really wants, she said. And we sat in silence as we thought about what we really wanted.

As we filed out, she was outside the door with a small piece of the meteor. Each of us put a hand, or a finger, on the rock and made a wish.

In the moments of silence I thought about all the things I really wanted for the world. Peace, an end to hunger, and end to homelessness, an end to violence. The good things I wanted for the world were unending.

And yet, when my time came to wish, I made a selfish wish. A very selfish wish.

As soon as I did it, I felt that cold terrible adrenaline rush of guilt. It was terrible.

"What if," I thought, "it was because of my selfish wish that world peace isn't achieved? What if because I didn't wish for an end to hunger there won't be one achieved?"

I felt guilty for weeks. And when my mom and my best friend asked me what I wished for I lied. How could I tell them that I had been selfish?

Even though I knew that the rock really didn't have the power to end war, the feeling of guilt nagged at me. I had been given a chance to just think a good thought and I had failed.

As silly as it may seem, that feeling still nags at me sometimes.

Now that I'm many years removed from that lesson, I can understand the principle that the author was trying to teach: If we only focus on ourselves we can't change the world. Working unselfishly though, with the good of others in mind, we do have the opportunity to change the world.

Lately, I feel so wrapped up in my own life that I haven't been living the lesson I learned I am not focusing on others or looking for ways to give service. Sure, I'm busy, but that doesn't mean I can't still do things. (I have to tell myself that otherwise it's easy to get wrapped up in going from point a to point b without looking for things to do.) Besides, I will conceivably be busy for the rest of my life. So maybe I should learn how to balance that.

As I was thinking about this problem, I remembered the book Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes. It's about a girl who gets sick with cancer after the atomic bomb is dropped. She is told that if she is able to fold one thousand paper cranes, she will be healed of the cancer she has.

She is only able to fold 644 paper cranes before she grows too weak and dies. The children in her class finish the thousand cranes for her and she is buried with all of them. The time those children spent folding the cranes, they were undoubtedly thinking about Sadako and her life. Maybe they spent the time thinking of her family, maybe praying for them.

The next idea may seem silly to you, because it kind of does to me, but I thought, "Hey, maybe I could fold cranes, too." Sure, it doesn't actually leaving my house to volunteer time, but it makes me take a few minutes out of my day and focus on something or someone else besides me.

I've thrown away that idea and laughed it off a hundred times. And yet, I keep coming back to it. It hasn't given me any peace since I've had it. And maybe I shouldn't ignore something that's pounding me over the head like that.

So, I think I'm going to start folding a crane everyday and focusing one something or someone other than me.

My first project though. Learn how to fold a crane.

What do you think. Is it a crazy idea?

You can tell me if it is, I have hundreds of them everyday.

In the wild

2009-09-06T11:09:00.002-06:00

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.
-Carrie Bradshaw,
Sex and the City
(via TwentyThree)

{via TwentyThree}

Stepping out

2009-09-02T10:13:00.002-06:00

I'm over at Little Fish's today for the first installment of the Beauty School Project.

Here's hoping I'm not a Beauty School Drop Out.

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

In other (brief) news. I am so excited for the class I'm taking this semester. It's all about the development of the history of modern thought, and especially as it relates to the topics of knowledge and aesthetics (and novels). SOOOOO excited.

I am a school nerd. Total nerd.

Whispers

2009-08-30T01:15:00.003-06:00

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow.’
-The Talmud

{via I Can Read}

I have an odd, open-ended question for you

2009-08-27T23:51:00.005-06:00

But before I ask you the weird open-ended question, I wanted to point you over towards Little Fish's project. I know probably most of my readers read her too, but on the off chance you don't (and why not?) you have to read about the project she's running for the next six months. In short, she is challenging us to come up with six things we like about our appearance. Go here to read more.

So now on to my open ended question.

How do you think the books you read influence you?

I know this is an extremely open ended question, and there are probably as many responses as there are people. You don't have to tell me everything, maybe just a little something.

For example, maybe think about your favorite book. Has it influenced your spelling (i.e. gray vs. grey), the clothes you want, the choices you make, how you make your choices, etc?

Take time to think about it if you want. Come back. I'll write about what I think about this maybe a little next week.

I know it seems like it's coming out of left field, but it's may be a partial focus of my thesis (tentatively).

I'm home, somewhat reluctantly

2009-08-26T21:17:00.004-06:00

Vacationing was wonderful. So, so wonderful. I remembered what it was like to sleep for more than 4 or 5 hours a night. And I guess that's what you should blame my lack of blogging on. I came home and I slept. Then I slept a little bit more and it was fabulous. I need to figure out how I can sleep more. Because sleep is ridiculously wonderful.

Other things that are wonderful: my best friend.

There's just nothing like spending time with your best friend. We wandered through the Japanese Gardens, hiked, and walked through some of the most beautiful places in the world. One of our things was going on walks. We always rambled through our neighborhoods and talked about everything. Since she got married, a little over three years ago now, we haven't really had a chance to do that. It was nice to revive one of the traditions.

There's just nothing like talking through your life with a friend. Seeing her always makes me feel better.

I can't say I'm happy to be back (to the regular old grind of life, not back here blogging), but here I am anyway. Time for another adventure in adulthood.

Next up: School/Thesis. (Adventure that is, not blog topic.)

I am keeping an open mind. But I'm still so exhausted from last semester.

A thing with feathers

2009-08-23T01:58:00.001-06:00

Oh, how I wish you wouldn't worry so. There's hope in every breath. But when fear infects the bones, I'm told, the heart is always next.
-via I Wrote This For You

{via TwentyThree}

To the land of books

2009-08-21T01:39:00.003-06:00

{via I Can Read}

Bonjour, mes amis! (That should probably be feminine since I'm pretty sure all my readers are girls, but you never know who is lurking.) Digression! It's late, look at the timestamp!

So I'm off to Portland to visit my bff this weekend. Yay! I'm super excited!

Love you all. Hope you have a great weekend!

Blame the article that should already be done but is not

2009-08-17T23:27:00.003-06:00

{via TwentyThree}

My brain is melting.

MELTING!

Hopefully it will be back in two weeks because that's when I start school again.

*sob*

The flip side

2009-08-16T20:22:00.003-06:00

Hope is the struggle of the soul, breaking loose from what is perishable, and attesting her eternity.
-Herman Melville

If you see a whole thing - it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives... But up close a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.
-Ursula K. LeGuin

{via We Heart It}

I couldn't choose, the quotes are like two halves of a coin for me. Alone, they don't convey what I want this week, but together it's almost complete. It's still missing something, but I'm not quite sure what yet. Maybe I'll find and add the other quote.

As a side note, I think LeGuin's stories are so beautiful. The Wizard of Earthsea is one that has lived in me since I read it.

Build a little birdhouse in your soul

2009-08-13T22:18:00.000-06:00

{via AzureDandelion}

Don't you just love those little orange birds of happiness? I did too. So I bought them.

This is why I stay away from Etsy.

In other news, I'm exhausted. So, I'm going to head off to bed uncharacteristically early.

Have a great weekend.

The reason I keep blogging

2009-08-11T22:30:00.004-06:00

Like so many other things I do, I can't remember what my initial motivation was to start blogging. Maybe it was Dooce's awesomeness, maybe it was SO@24's awesomeness. Or maybe it was a vanity trip. Who knows?

One thing I never expected when I started blogging was the intense new community it would create. In the last few days, things have happened that made me really stop and notice how supportive we are of each other. When someone needs it, we take the time to give them words of kindness, comfort, encouragement, or congratulations. Or maybe we just tell an off color joke in the comments.

Whatever it is though, there's always genuine emotional and motivation behind the comment.

I feel like, in a lot of ways, blogging has made me love people so much more. Here on the blogs, we share a side of ourselves that isn't always easy to articulate in face to face settings. Or in a five minute catch-up session with a friend. We don't always have our digital cameras to share funny and beautiful moments, but we can post pictures on the blog. And sometimes, it's not easy to share things that are so deeply personal, like love lost and births. But blogs give us a chance to share the deeper, private, more boring, or just plain hilarious parts of ourselves. We have the chance move beyond the platitudes we sometimes fall into when we talk. On a blog, the question "How are you?" isn't rhetorical, there's a 500 word minimum response expected.

Seeing all of this has opened me in ways I didn't expect. I feel like my heart has opened. I try and look beyond people's surface, and understand them more. I have to thank each of you for that.

And so to all of you whose blogs I have read, for all of you who have read my blog, and for all of you who have commented on my blog or on blogs I read, I have to thank each and every one of you. Especially in the last few days, all the beautiful comments I've read in various places have just reminded me about all of the good that can come from blogging.

And that, my friends, is why I stick with blogging. Because of all of you.

One favor

2009-08-10T21:35:00.004-06:00

As she said, even if you don't pray, please do pray that Kirsten's boyfriend will be found safe and healthy. My heart is breaking for her.

That's really all I have right now.

Possibly my favorite quote ever

2009-08-09T00:51:00.005-06:00

Be patient with all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

{via I Can Read}

Look for the story in your own life

2009-08-06T21:42:00.004-06:00

{via TwentyThree}

Six billion of us walking the planet, six billion smaller worlds on the bigger one. Shoe salesmen and short-order cooks who look boring from the outside - some have weirder lives than you. Six billion stories, every one an epic, full of tragedy and triumph, good and evil, despair and hope.
— Dean Koontz

The last one for a month

2009-08-06T20:58:00.004-06:00

Dear Brandon,

You should have won.

That is all.

Love,

Katie

PS Or Evan or Kayla.

PPS I meant to actually write something, but it was the SEASON FINALE!

There are days you remember

2009-08-04T23:57:00.009-06:00

{via We Heart It}

in spite of everything

which breathes and moves,since Doom

(with white longest hands

neatening each crease)

will smooth entirely our minds

-before leaving my room

i turn,and(stooping

through the morning)kiss

this pillow,dear

where our heads lived and were.

ee cummings

An anti-rant

2009-08-03T21:59:00.009-06:00

Otherwise known as reasons I should not rant.

1. I feel guilty. Because generally my rant is narrowly focused, but widely interpreted.

2. I'm not perfect.

3. Ellipses can be effective rhetorical devices when used appropriately. Like on blogs. Since we can't actually hear each other say it, they effectively indicate dramatic pause. I've often laughed at well placed ellipses.

4. I should point out I could totally be corrected, since I'm pretty sure its actually a usage rant not a grammar rant. *sigh* (I'm a dork.)

5. I prove my friend right when he said that he thought all bloggers were just passive aggressive. Until I called him on it and asked him if he thought I was passive aggressive. Then he retracted.

That being said. I'll totally be ranting more in the future.

A brief grammar rant

2009-08-02T23:39:00.008-06:00

{via Glarkware}

***Disclaimer: This is not aimed at any of you, even if you do it. Because I read your blog, therefore I like you. It's just how it works. Also, don't let this give you paranoia. Please. This is a very targeted rant. And yes, I've gently told the guilty party this on numerous occasions. And yet the problem continues.***

rant

So my BIGGEST grammar pet peeve right now is ellipses. The seemingly innocuous three dots used to indicate omission of quoted material and very rarely a pause in a sentence. Very rarely.

You know when NOT to use ellipses. At the end of EVERY sentence. Using them in written conversation at the end of EVERY sentence is just overkill. I'm okay with occasionally for dramatic effect. Or if you use them very occasionally in written conversational passages to indicate pause.

And no, I don't care what the grammar book you purchased says. And you know why? Because it is not from a reputable publishing house. It is not the Chicago Manual of Style. It's not from MLA or APA. Or, for the love of hot pancakes on a cold morning, even a recognized publishing seal. No, it's one of those that's put out every year from an obscure publishing house house that's just looking to turn a quick buck.

Allow me to demonstrate what the sentences look like that you create... I'm not sure what we're going for here... I think that I might just be in the same sentence.... It's hard to tell because even though I capitalize after ever ellipses set, there's still the essence of lingering... Yes, after due consideration, this is all one sentence... Or is it...? The capitalization...well it must be just for effect... See though, in that last one I paused in the middle for...effect... Yes, this is good...

(That sad thing is, I'm not exaggerating.)

Now that I've pointed it out, you think you can drop the ellipses. Because when you use them on EVERY SENTENCE sometimes TWICE, THEY LOSE EFFECT.

(Much like the excessive the capitalization I've done in this post.)

That is all. /rant

Mystere

2009-08-02T08:45:00.000-06:00

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.

-Albert Einstein

{via We Heart It}

Shared memory

2009-08-01T22:54:00.005-06:00

Practitioners of any social practice, whether it is law, teaching, or...evaluation, operate with a more or less self-conscious understanding of that practice. That understanding comprises a view of what one is up to in performing the practice: what purposes, goals, norms, and means define the practice and how they are manifest in the actual work of the practitioner. The understanding in question might be thought of as a self-understanding or personal awareness. However, by self-understanding here I do not mean something that is purely subjective or simply a matter of individual consciousness. And understanding is a shared, intersubjective orientation grounded in a tradition of practice and a discourse of what it means to be a practitioner of one sort or another. That discourse comes long before the individual practitioner's personal awareness of her or his practice, and stretches far beyond it. (11)

-Thomas A. Schwandt
Evaluation Practice Reconsidered

I like people

2009-07-31T01:17:00.006-06:00

This just makes me laugh.

{via We Heart It}

Hope you like it too. Happy Friday!

Also, this video was amazing. I love guys who can dance.

Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!*

2009-07-29T23:00:00.004-06:00

*This is a shoutout to an awesome comment Kiki from I Totally Forgot You Go Here made on one of my posts, since she is the one who tagged me.

What is your current obsession? The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. For some reason I decided that I needed to listen to, like, everything they'd put out. Before this obsession, I think I'd only heard Maps and Soft Shock. I totally love most of their songs. However, I happened to stumble across their new album cover, and I have to say it totally freaks me out. I can't stare directly at it for longer than like 2 seconds. And even then I risk nightmares. It feels really menacing to me.

What do you hate the most that everybody else seems to love? Miley Cyrus. I know there are a lot of negative feelings about the girl, but she really just annoys me. The few times I've seen her live (instead of just her image plastered over practically every other square inch of the planet) the way she moves her mouth just bugs me. Which, rationally, I know isn't her fault. But irrationally, I just want to make her stop talking. And her music, I HATE it. So yeah, Miley Cyrus must go. I'm tired of being told about your dating life, maturity level, nude-ish photographs. I just don't care. And no, I do not like The Climb. Sorry if you like her. I won't judge you. You can return the favor later.

What are you wearing today? Gauchos and a t-shirt. What Gauchos went out like 3 years ago? Admit it you still have a pair you kick around the house in. See. I knew it. I got to work from home today so we should all be lucky I got most of the way out of my pajamas. Yay!

What's for dinner? IDK. I'm on the other side of dinner. And asking me to plan ahead a whole day is unlikely. Maybe think maybe pancakes with blueberries. And if not, I've just made you all drool and crave them. Admit it.

What would you eat for your last meal? Sushi. Probably from my favorite local place, Tokai. There might be better places, but they don't have the Lemon Ball--which is like the best invention ever. Or maybe it would be Thai. I love Thai.

What's the last thing you bought? Two books to write my thesis with. Boring, right? After I started reading both of these I could tell these were books I was going to need to write in and mark up. And the library gets so upset when you do that, threatening legal action/expulsion and crap like that. So fine, they're making me shell out a lot of my own money here.

What are you listening to right now? See first answer. But also if I listed everything I was listening to you'd probably think I had multiple personalities. And I wouldn't blame you. Beside the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, I'm also listening to Nirvana, Britney Spears, Outkast, 311, RATM, Stevie Wonder, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Radiohead, etc. But right this very second I'm listening to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs.

What do you think of the person that tagged you? I've never met her, but I pretty much totally adore her. Her writing is always smart and funny. All her comments make me laugh. In other words, I have a big fat bloggy crush on her. (Yes, I hate myself as much as you hate me for saying bloggy.) After everything she's been through in the last year, I just want sunshine and puppies and happiness for her. Which I think she's starting to get back in measures. Seriously, though, if I could bottle that and give it to her I would.

If you could have a house, fully paid for, and totally furnished anywhere in the world, where would it be? London. Probably in the Gloucester/Hyde Park area. Or maybe over by Notting Hill or Borrough Market. Or along the Strand. I love London so much. I was so happy there, I felt alive and inspired and like I could conquer the world. So yeah, any place that makes me feel that good, I pretty much want to live there forever.

What is one of your hobbies? I would love to say something other than reading. Really, really, I would since I talk about it all the time. But that would mean I would have to say my other hobbies are school or work. And neither of those is a hobby. Also that depresses me. I used to be more well rounded. I used to paint (I'm terrible, but I love it), and write, and you know actually leave my house to do things. But not so much anymore. Ask me again after next August (hopeful graduation date). Ooooh, maybe collecting quotes. That's a legit hobby. It is! Especially when you write them down obsessively on any scrap of paper available. Also I've started yoga again. So that could be a hobby too.

What are 3 things that annoy you most? Sometimes I think I'm the most easily annoyed person in the world. Here are a 3 of the things that annoy me most:
1- Treating me (or anyone) like they're dumb. I feel like I'm a pretty smart person, I'm not a Steven Hawking but I'm not Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel either, so it really irks me when someone talks down to me. I might have, in the past, whipped out the full extent of my vocabulary (which let's be honest, when people use $7 words every other breath, don't you just wonder about some of them) and talked circles around the person who talked down to me. It's really satisfying.
2- Using the word robust to describe anything other than a full bodied wine or a sauce. JUST DON'T DO IT. I have similar prejudices against the word bandwidth, which should only be used to describe internet related things.
3- The Good Ol' Boys Club. There are charming ways to belong to this (i.e. being a gentleman), and then there is the way where you exclude and oppress others. It's the latter that really pisses me off. And which I unfortunately am currently battering my head against. Here's the thing that really pisses me off the most, you don't actually have to be a guy to belong to this mentality.

What is your favorite color? I really like green. But I really like orange and purple too.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe? A black jersey dress from Boden. It's hard to describe, but is pretty much the perfect dressy dress. Plus it is ridiculous comfortable. I like to take it out to the opera or ballet any chance I get.

What is your dream job? Anything that lets me think. Even if it means I earn a little less in the long run. I think I'd rather be happy and fulfilled than a little better off and miserable because my thoughts are being dictated to me. Really, I'd like to write books. I think that's my dream job.

Describe your personal style. Casual classic. I like jeans. And t-shirts. I'm also really, really obsessed with this dress lately. I like ballet flats, but I have a huge collection of heels and wedges.

What are you going to do after this? Shower.

What is your favorite "happy hour" at Sonic? I haven't been to Sonic in years. But it's probably a lime ricky (ricki?). I love those things. There is no wrong in them.

What inspires you? Art, history, philosophy, science, nature. I feel like it sounds like I'm pretentious when I say things like that. But really, I just believe that when we limit our inspiration we cut off great ideas. So I try to stay open. Because you just never know where your great idea is going to come from. Plus, I could make a killing on Jeopardy one day.

Which celebrity would you shameless make out with even if the paparazzi were snapping pictures? I love imagining the various answers to this question. (By the way wasn't the original question, but the original would make me launch into a diatribe, and per a previous post I'm trying to be calm about everything that upsets me.). I think, I'd have to go with Zachary Quinto. I'm a sucker for dark hair. And tall. And glasses. And good shoulders. And he has all of that, rolled into one. *swoon* See here. Or maybe the actor who played Riley Finn circa Buffy era. Yes, my answer is changed to him. Mark Bluth? Something like that. Beauty.

What are you currently reading? For fun: The World to Come and The Jane Austen Book Club. For research: The Origin of Stories, Creative Evaluation by Patton, Evaluation Practice Reconsidered by Schwandt, Fourth Generation Evaluation by Lincoln and Guba, Exploring Evaluator Roles and Identity ed. Ryan and Schwandt, Standards-Based & Responsive Evaluation by Stake, and The Art of Case Study by Stake. If you ask how I keep track of all those (plus the various articles I read) the answer is simple: I take really extensive notes. And it takes FOREVER.

What delighted you most today? Watching She's the Man. I love stupid teenage movies. Bonus, this one is based on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. LOVED IT. Don't judge me.

By what criteria do you judge a person? You know the old standard of how they treat a waiter. I pretty much use that. If someone mistreats another person, then they are not someone I want to weave closely into my life. On a lighter note, my friends and I used to have a theory of pants guys wore which we used as a criteria to judge whether a guy was datable or not. It's surprisingly accurate. Hazel should really blog more about that (HINT HINT) since it was pretty much her theory. When in doubt, I still fall back on it.

Which fictional character from a literary work would you be? Hermoine. I adore her. Plus, I'd get to go to Hogwarts and be a total smarty-pants, and a heroine. And kick-ass. Did I mention the part about being magic. Because that would be AWESOME! (Plus I get a various, undisclosed happiness, which I'm not going to blog about as a courtesy to Hazel who is finally reading the books.)

The rules: 1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.

I tag: Hazel (double tag here really), Mandy, Little Fish, Rebecca, Princess B, Jess, MelRoxx, and J..

I always feel guilty tagging people. Why? I don't know. It's not like a contract or anything. But I have issues, people. Conversely, I feel guilty for not tagging people. So whether I did or didn't tag you, I think you should or shouldn't do it based on what you want to do. There, is that open ended enough?

I am so great*

2009-07-29T19:03:00.000-06:00

*Title should be sung in a Homer Simpson voice for full effect. At least that's how I sing it when I say things like that.

MelRoxx recently tagged me in a meme of seven words to describe me. This gave ma chance to think about my favorite subject. ME. Awesome.

Scattered. There's a reason my blog is called Scattered Starlight. (Although recently someone pointed out to me that starlight technically doesn't exist. I'm taking a page from Clueless though, and to them I say WHATEVER!) I digress. Which is my point. I am one scattered girl. Between working full time, being a grad student, and managing all the personal storms I've been through last few years I am in a million pieces scattered everywhere. I love the word, I think it's a beautiful way to say that I'm an airhead. I'm learning to love that state.

Quixotic. I'm very fluid in my emotions and feelings. Some people may call it crazy, I just call it quixotic. It's a more poetic word.

Insatiable. I want to know everything. Having the chance to learn and grow is just ridiculously exciting to me. Being in school and researching is the perfect place for me. Nothing is off limits and people get it when you research a topic that seems to have no immediate value. Everything always comes in handy at some point. Part of the way I fill the need for knowledge is through reading anything and everything that falls in my hands.

Aesthetic. I may not always be able to create beautiful things, but I like to think that I recognize beauty when I see it. That sounds pretentious, but I don't mean it to. It's part of the reason I love studying art history. I get to stare all these amazing pictures done by geniuses. I think in pictures and colors a lot, and I like being in a world that allows me to do that.

Night Owl. I work best from 12:00 - 3:00 a.m. These hours do not fit in with the rest of my life. I don't know what I'm going to do while writing my thesis this time around. I'm screwed. I need to develop new patterns. But after midnight, it's like I can shed all the self-doubt that clings to me in the day. It's an amazing feeling.

Independent. I like to be able to do things myself. So much so that it sometimes this leads to problems asking for help. Independence is not always a good thing, my friends. Especially when you get stuck.

Warm. I genuinely love people, despite brief bouts of misanthropy.

Bonus words that describe me: burnt out, funny, overachiever, shy, bookish, nerd, pusher, believer, quiet, introspective, chocoholic, empathetic, softie.

I tag you if you want to play too. Kiki, I should tag you in this one since you just tagged me. :)

I can't help but remember

2009-07-27T21:44:00.005-06:00

{via omigod, that brittany's shameless}

I'm studying (or trying to study) in the room my Uncle last stayed in.

If I had known it would be his last stay I would have cleaned out my school books.

I would have brought him flowers. Even if he thought it was girly.

I would have cooked his favorite foods.

I would have been happy to have him here, instead of worrying about what it meant for the future.

I would have welcomed him with open arms.

I would have told him I forgive him.

I would have done things differently.

I wish I would have. I wish I could have. I wish I had known better.

I don't ever want to say that again ever.

Ever.

So, I promise to tell the people I love just how much I love them.

I promise not to hold onto stupid (or even justified) grudges. Nothing is worth it.

I promise to cook for my loved ones.

I promise to spoil them with love in little ways they don't expect.

I promise to live in the now and not put off things, counting on a later date to come.

Because it doesn't always come. How many times have I learned that in the past year?

You don't always get second chances to say I love you.

Uncle Henry, I hope you know I love you.

I'm sorry it took your death for me to say that.